2 teeth and climbing

i came across this photo with story's 2 little bottom teeth...it is somewhat blurry but the expression says more than anywhere i was hoping to go with this concept...
of course with halloween around the corner i also thought of jack-o-lanterns and got a few photos of the kids after carving pumpkins in coop preschool...


and then it occurred to me that story has been climbing up, over, around, through and away... everything including stairs so i thought i'd include one shot of that...

this blog post would have been more powerful with just the blurry photo and blurry concept of story's two little teeth and sheer glee...sometimes ideas are better left unpolished, lacking the narration and over analysis and free association to too many other ideas...but story literally is climbing on to the next stage in his life and i feel so much slipping away that i suppose that is why i had to include the reference to climbing at the end.

through the eyes of a child

i took this photo of sea last week during coop preschool when her task was to "see" through her homemade binoculars...she was wearing her big eyed owl shirt and our topic was vision (we are making our way through the senses)...as i looked down the tp tube at her too blue eyes innocently staring back in to mine, i realized I was the one who needed a new vision...to look through her eyes for awhile...this idea has been brewing in my head...too far in the back i'm afraid to make it to this blog but now that lorie's memorial is over i am ready to focus on life again.

i'm like 30 blogs behind on my friends' lives (learning how to make homemade kombucha --thanks elaine --sounds like it should be on the top of one of my reads since i spend about $4 on this drink too often)...have way too many e-mails in my inbox, need to send the memorial booklet to way too many people--yes i underestimated how many people would want one--let me know if you are one of them and you haven't told me already... (this means deleting a lot of "sent" mail, too in order to not be nearing the max my e-mail mailbox can hold), way behind on facebook, and these are just the things that i WANT to do...bills, laundry, packing, groceries, cooking, the usuals haven't even made it to my "to do" list yet. but i'm ok with that. focusing on life sometimes mean focusing on the small and more fundamentally important things when the bigger less important things seem to be smothering me. it feels good to be a part of this active, dynamic, moving forward community instead of wallowing in my loss which turns out is a LOT of people's loss...the memorial book will help me spread the love that was lorie and i ended my contribution with the idea i presented here:

"I imagine you as a wee one…watching you through the eyes of sea; vivacious, spirited, full of life, laughing at the small things, at yourself, connecting with so many people...your spirit lives on"

may i embrace life as you did, help others feel as special and cherished as i always did when i was with you...may i LIVE NOW...in the moment...
had to add one more photo of sea's "eyes"...taken a few days ago...

losing lorie

i'm not sure which is more telling...my pure glee or lorie holding on tightly...either way she is such a dear friend i'm still not ready to let go...

but i realized as i was wrestling with my grief that friends have been contacting me saying "we will pray for her" and even though i had been telling people she wouldn't pull through but for an unheard of miracle, it is true that i was waiting and hoping for that miracle myself. yesterday her mom contacted me to let me know that she had successfully donated a lung, both kidneys and her liver so at that point i had to concede she was really gone.

i got the call on monday and by tuesday night i had rallied my mom to drive up to visalia with me and the two wee ones...this of course was quite the challenging journey complete with meltdowns, gas bubbles, pulling over 15+ times, construction work on hwy 5 down to only 1 lane at 5 mph, etc. etc. but i made it up there and was able to hold lorie's hand and talk to her...

i wasn't sure what to say in the late hours of the night...no hope in sight yet lorie is one of the strongest people i know and if anyone could pull through i believed it would be her...so i wasn't prepared to say "goodbye" or how much she had meant to me past tense in case she wasn't there (meaning she wasn't ready to let go) and wanted to fight for life...so i squeezed her hand, stroked her signature thick hair, kissed her cheeks, and generally just felt what little life was left while repeating "we love you lorie...you are such a dear friend to so many people..." and at that point she was responsive, moving her legs, lifting a couple of fingers...i guess she had even teared the day before with vickie so i truly believe she knew we were there with her...i ended by telling her manuel wanted to be there to be with "legs" as he had called her when they had a fling as pre-teens at campmeeting...reminded her how she had saved his letter to her and read it to me to reinforce what a great catch my husband is but instead i had been struck by her...how she had saved this note and shared it with me to build me up when it was meant to compliment her...shes was always able to do that...turn things back to build up others...

according to the eeg she continued to lose brain function until thursday when 2 neurosurgeons called her "brain dead" and she failed to breathe on her own...i still held out hope she would improve until they actually took her organs but of course her giving spirit lives on literally...i suppose time of death was right after these surgeries around 4:30 a.m. yesterday, friday...i'm still not ready to let go...

there is so much to say...so much to miss...but i don't have the emotional energy so i will save it for the memorial booklet i am helping create for the services on the 18th. please spread the word to anyone who hasn't heard and e-mail me with any contributions. i always told lorie she was such a brilliant writer that she should publish a book of her wit...this is our chance to share bits and peices of what she shared with us...

i can see lorie as a young child through the eyes of my vivacious 3 year old; full of life, laughing, connecting with so many people...lorie's spirit lives on...

stunned and helpless

i imagine that title could be about many things going on right now...the dow dropping close to 800 points for example, but instead this is much closer to home and to my heart...

i just got a breath stopping message about a dear friend from college. i'm stunned and crying at the same time and i'm sure many of her friends (and a few of my readers) feel the same way. seems an otherwise healthy 30 something collapsed at work and they determined she had a blood clot that traveled to her brain stem and she is now in a coma. i'm not sure what any of that means or her prognosis...she is such a good friend and person and it has been way too long since i have kept in touch with her and i feel so helpless. i feel like i should be driving up to central california to be with her family at least. for someone who is usually quite verbose, i am at a loss for words. makes me want to reach out to everyone i care about and hold on to them more tightly...but i'm still aware how helpless i am with this situation. i will continue to pray for her and hope those of you who believe can do the same...

looking backwards

i've been sending random friends from facebook to this blog to "catch up on my life" and realized i don't have too many family photos posted so this seemed like a good photo...i felt very self-absorbed in my last post and although i still feel a little depressive i've pulled out of the fog enough to focus on the present...ahh...the title is looking backwards...so i guess i could spend many many blogs talking about my past; writing an autobiography, lamenting regrets, missing memories with my dad, etc. but really i'm writing about looking backwards in order to better look forwards...

one of my first posts was about "blank pages" and the idea that i always leave space in my journal to fill in what i don't have time to write about or don't feel i write well enough or want to supplement or improve or don't have the emotional energy to share...i haven't written in my actual paper journal for over a week for many of these reasons but mainly due to lack of time...so as i was thinking about these literal and figurative blank pages and what i needed to update on this blog, i thought i'd just post about the idea of looking backwards.

i haven't updated two different coop preschool summaries and once i do i will post some "looking back" photos here...

one of the major problems with the idea of "looking back" or trying to leave space to go back is first of all of course i never do...but on a more fundamental level of how i live my life, the other problem is then i can't live in the present because i'm consumed by the past and how that wasn't good enough to move forward. so after preschool tomorrow i will post a summary and photos even if i haven't finished the two before or posted any photos...that way i can stay current from this point forward...oh, if only i could use that same philosophy in so many other areas of my life (backing up photos/printing photos and putting them in a current album are two major ones that come to mind).

also, i've been thinking if i could become a more regular blogger, more personal, more disclosing, more interesting, etc. and could get more readers, i'd love to post ideas of topics i'd like to write about and have people comment what topics they'd like to discuss so this blog had more of a dialogue feel to it...

i used to be in a wonderful group (most of the others were english professors at the college i taught at) where we would throw out topics to discuss, pick one, write a one page essay (this could be fiction, poetry, free association or just our experience with the topic), trade essays so we had all read one anothers and then get together over drinks and reply...what we liked/disliked about one another's writing and/or opinions etc....these discussions got quite heated! especially when some of the topics turned to values (what is the one thing you wish to teach your child?) or religion or parenting...but sometimes they were as simple as "what is your favorite book/author and why?"...i read a book once where well known authors answered this question in a collection of essays and it was really interesting how their choices reflected in their own writing/life...in teaching i've often told students that different psychologists' theories came straight from their own experiences...so what about you dear reader? what would you like to write about? discuss? what experiences or philosophies color your present life? what shout out do you want to give to the world? what really matters?

oh no...i'm revisiting my thesis again with discussions of meaning in life, identity, happiness, etc. so i will get back to the present but allow your imagination or free associations to color my future blogs...looking forward to your input!

balance, tipping over and maybe m's pie theory

it is almost 2 a.m...story is whimpering in his sleep and i'll have to leave shortly to nurse him...which is appropriate in a blog about trying to find balance...on my mommy's journey where sleep is the first to go and my needs are often on the back burner...i'm obviously putting my need to get all these ideas out of my head above sleep right now...story is trying to "balance" literally here in this photo but this blog is about much more balancing that needs to be done...(and even though it seems like the 6 month old should be the one tipping over when he pulls himself up all the time now, he is actually much more stable than me...)

my thesis (yeah, the one that took almost 7 years to complete because i thought i had to find the meaning of life, report back on this for everyone and figure out who i was and what my values were and simultaneously live with integrity while finding meaning and living in the present, etc) was in many ways about balance. so this post could be really simple: we need balance in most areas for happiness, optimum functioning, etc... (kind of like i know that to be less depressed i need more sleep, to eat better, to exercise, get more sunshine, enjoy the little moments with my family, ask for help, accept help, accept myself, not try to control everything, let go of more things, hold on to more things....hmm the simplicity of this list is feeding my obsessive issues, too...so i'll stop there...my point was just that i can make the list and it seems simple and easy but somehow i get caught up in analysis or LIFE and miss out on too many of these things and end up depressed an exhausted. and then mad at myself that i know this and still don't give the important things enough time or energy. then i blame this on the depression...i have too little energy to devote to the important things...so the cycle continues and i suppose i'm posting this at 2 a.m. instead of sleeping (yes, i get the irony there) in order to get these cycles and this anxiety out of my head in hopes of implementing it more...may exercise (ok, go for a walk at least) with the kids tomorrow and report back...maybe even try going to bed early (or at least before 2 a.m.?) and plan meals so i'm not gobbling down whatever i can find last minute...maybe part of this problem is the whole wait until i REALLY have to do it procrastination problem i have...

had to stop the free association rambles to let the cat out...now that i'm back i lost the train of thought i never had...

oh, one other anxiety i have to get off my chest for the few who read this...i apologize for not returning e-mails, calls, attending playgroups, being active on facebook, etc. and promise once i get this "balance" thing worked out better i'll get back to connecting with all of you (and even those who don't follow my blog) and when i signed on to post i was prompted to add blogs i follow or "read" so i apologize in advance that i only added a few and have many more talented friends i do follow and do intend to put on there...comment on here is you are one of them so i'll get to you sooner...

ok, now i can go back to the point of this post and the semi-epiphany i was having tonight as i lay in bed with my body longing to physically shut down but my head too full and my heart aching so i tipped several scales and hope something benefits for the others that lose out if that makes sense? this i another post entirely (although very related) about balancing my thoughts and my feelings. one always wins and the other loses. why can't i find a win-win equation? i feel like crying right now but that reminds me of the third variable, my body. like i can separate my thoughts and feelings but they both reside inside a physical body that i also must care for...so maybe literally crying would help release both right now? i know sleep and better self care would definitely help both...but the obsessive need to get all this down right now is somehow helping release the thoughts and i am feeling better so i'll keep the rambles up...

story really is waking up so i'm going to have to get to m's pie theory later...wait, maybe those whimpers are still semi-unconscious so i'll give you the cliff note version:

when i was working on my thesis manuel shared with me one of his theories that life is like a pie...you can give one thing a whole bunch of your time, energy, value etc. or you can split up your life into a whole bunch of things and each only gets a sliver at the expense of the others...let's just say i feel like my pie is in crumbs right now and i want to get to a place where i can at least tell that all of this adds up to a whole in some way...on a symbolic level i feel like "me" is no longer even a pie...not sure if that makes sense but i'm losing myself in this process.

ok i'm starting to hate this post...i'm not "feeling" anything i'm writing anymore, i'm no longer feeling anything in fact (wish i had cried i guess) and the thoughts are drying up so i'll post this just to be vulnerable and current but not because i think it has nearly as much to say as when i was lying in bed thinking about posting...i thought because i felt like i was going to tip over instead of finding a balance that this blog would help stop the process but instead i already feel tipped? maybe a little sleep will help and tomorrow i can wake up with a new day to try and balance (or just be grateful i have the day and not worry if it is balanced?)

solids, spoons, smiles, sea and story

this is one of those posts where the photos say it all and i should just not even try to narrate but i just wanted to add that story has only had breast milk for 6 months and he was born 9 lbs 3 oz and is in the 98th percentile in length so i was advised to start him on solids even though i didn't feel ready...you can see he is more than ready and literally feeding himself with a spoon the first time he ate solids! he is also teething quite a bit as you'll be able to tell in the photo with the corn on the cob. his sister is super excited that he gets to eat at the table with us now and i think it will be great having her help feed him although he really enjoys doing it himself...