losing lorie

i'm not sure which is more telling...my pure glee or lorie holding on tightly...either way she is such a dear friend i'm still not ready to let go...

but i realized as i was wrestling with my grief that friends have been contacting me saying "we will pray for her" and even though i had been telling people she wouldn't pull through but for an unheard of miracle, it is true that i was waiting and hoping for that miracle myself. yesterday her mom contacted me to let me know that she had successfully donated a lung, both kidneys and her liver so at that point i had to concede she was really gone.

i got the call on monday and by tuesday night i had rallied my mom to drive up to visalia with me and the two wee ones...this of course was quite the challenging journey complete with meltdowns, gas bubbles, pulling over 15+ times, construction work on hwy 5 down to only 1 lane at 5 mph, etc. etc. but i made it up there and was able to hold lorie's hand and talk to her...

i wasn't sure what to say in the late hours of the night...no hope in sight yet lorie is one of the strongest people i know and if anyone could pull through i believed it would be her...so i wasn't prepared to say "goodbye" or how much she had meant to me past tense in case she wasn't there (meaning she wasn't ready to let go) and wanted to fight for life...so i squeezed her hand, stroked her signature thick hair, kissed her cheeks, and generally just felt what little life was left while repeating "we love you lorie...you are such a dear friend to so many people..." and at that point she was responsive, moving her legs, lifting a couple of fingers...i guess she had even teared the day before with vickie so i truly believe she knew we were there with her...i ended by telling her manuel wanted to be there to be with "legs" as he had called her when they had a fling as pre-teens at campmeeting...reminded her how she had saved his letter to her and read it to me to reinforce what a great catch my husband is but instead i had been struck by her...how she had saved this note and shared it with me to build me up when it was meant to compliment her...shes was always able to do that...turn things back to build up others...

according to the eeg she continued to lose brain function until thursday when 2 neurosurgeons called her "brain dead" and she failed to breathe on her own...i still held out hope she would improve until they actually took her organs but of course her giving spirit lives on literally...i suppose time of death was right after these surgeries around 4:30 a.m. yesterday, friday...i'm still not ready to let go...

there is so much to say...so much to miss...but i don't have the emotional energy so i will save it for the memorial booklet i am helping create for the services on the 18th. please spread the word to anyone who hasn't heard and e-mail me with any contributions. i always told lorie she was such a brilliant writer that she should publish a book of her wit...this is our chance to share bits and peices of what she shared with us...

i can see lorie as a young child through the eyes of my vivacious 3 year old; full of life, laughing, connecting with so many people...lorie's spirit lives on...