i'm being very self-indulgent...lying on my stomach facing out the window...sun is low, typing on a laptop...my kids are crazy right now (speaking of this topic last post) and have been for about 48+ hours and i've been ignoring that (and them to some extent) which is never a good way to handle crazies (i know this because in trying this approach with my mom through the years she will find crazier ways to behave to get attention)...anyway, my mom temporarily has the kids engaged in a puzzle of sorts and i even hear an occasional laugh so i'm going to free associate on this idea. the idea that i have always LOVED writing...kept a regular journal since age 8 but never really studied it in school because i would sabotage myself with procrastination or needing some impetus or depressive episode to motivate myself to write...so here is my blogging conundrum: i've tried blogging every day and i've tried waiting until i felt "moved" to write and found that both approaches have really worked and really not worked. couple that with the idea that i do enjoy reading others' blogs and have even joined a "comment for a comment" group on NABLOPOMO which itself i have mixed feeling about...maybe some of you regular bloggers can chime in on how you balance feeling like you should comment on or thank every commenter yet not wanting to do it immediately after receiving it so it feels like you only comment because they did? do you know what i mean? one of my favorite blogs to read is a hippy chic like myself who got so big (her blog anyway) that she no longer needed to visit others' blogs to get comments but then i felt badly when she never visited my blog or thanked me for comments after i spent so many hours reading and writing long comments on her...i feel like in some ways i dropped the ball on that relationship since she visited my blog several times in the beginning when i first had one and i never really understood that one should try to leave a many comments as they have had left for them or just reciprocity in this area in general.

i'm also really starting to hate my run-on sentences. yes, that is how i think and i can show readers how i go between ideas but it feels heavy and laborious to wade through...now i'm distracted by story crawling all over my lap, nursing while i type...popping off to say "haaappy" then "mum-gees!" when i re-arrange him and he can't get a good latch and lounge at the same time...oh the joys of motherhood...i really am able to enjoy these little moments even though i'd like a solid hour to myself now and then (i usually sleep when i have these!)...

so looking back over my last few posts...i meant to fill you in on mother's day...my ideals, the last one before my dad died 4 years ago, what actually happened, etc. and instead i think you just got a title that day as we were at my mother-in-law's house and i didn't have access to a fast enough computer to justify jumping on without offending anyone...then a few posts before that there were some idyllic photos of sea dancing around in sunlight that i just had difficulty moving past...

do others have trouble writing a new post when you liked the previous one better? or wanting to edit a last post or add a post in between and never getting to go back to those things? do i obsess over these things too much? maybe i should revisit the crazy theme and variations of it...

i was really into this idea before my body got taken over by my suckling son so i'm off to finish packing and head back to san diego. tomorrow i host a cooking themed preschool...spanish themed complete with sangria...