blank computer screen

it is still early january...time for new year's resolutions...reflecting over the past year and making goals and dreams for the future...

i finally backed up my computer to an external hard drive and moved my 107,000 photos to a separate hard drive also backed up. this means i have the space on my computer to export my 4 years of blogging in some form of back-up and start over with my photo library...only keeping the best photos and properly labeling and filing them...my 40th bday is coming up in just over a month...i haven't had any "must dos" before i turn 40 but now that it is coming up there are a few things i could strive towards...this will have to be a post for later since i'm not "there" in my mind right now...i have so many photos i could post and write about from the past couple weeks...so many posts i've been writing in my head...and now that i have the time and space to write my mind is blank...so i was staring at the blank computer screen open with possibilities and intimidating because of my lack of interesting things to write about (or i forgot all the things i felt passionately about when i didn't have time to write)...yet i feel compelled to write something. i think it is because i recently learned how to look at my page views or how many people read my blog or something like that and saw quite a drop off the past couple of weeks...literally a graph showing a steep decline in numbers...and i felt this shame "i'm better than that" or that i'm capable of writing more regularly, more interesting things...just not this post :)

how's that for a cop out...i had a friend at sea's school tell me she checked out my blog over the winter break...to which i looked away and rolled my eyes and began apologizing how i haven't been keeping it up or writing anything interesting recently...my best writing occurred when no one at all was reading...now i wouldn't even know where it was buried...i really need to create a back up somewhere of this blog because my memory is so bad i feel like i will lose a lot of my memories of what i wrote about if this blog disappeared...any of my handful of readers who may have advice on how or where to back up one's blog would be much appreciated...i'm really all over the place in this post and i don't care enough to edit it or re-write or start over or whatever basic strategy i could use to make this more interesting or at least linear...i like free associating when the associations make sense but they don't even make sense to me so i can't expect any readers to follow along...i was just getting at the idea that i want to blog more often and write more interesting posts but when i fear i don't have time or energy i just don't write anything at all and to me that is worse...so this post is allowing me to loosen my wrist and get ideas flowing through my fingers...now to connect my mind and maybe even engage my heart to care enough to make it more personal or intimate or disclosing...maybe i'll post about some bloggers and/or writers i enjoy and what i relate with about them...i could look for representative posts and these are usually springboards for things i'd like to write about.

sea and story are drawing pictures for each other on appleworks, an online drawing/coloring website...sea was making story a garbage truck...manuel's brother matt is visiting and they are lounging on our couches watching playoff football...story is singing a song about months of the year...yappay and kyra are taking turns sleeping on dog beds and romping around the room...now sea and story are climbing all over uncle matthew while he gives me a second to finish typing...sea wanted to learn how to do what i'm doing...someday i think she would write an awesome blog...honest, open, detailed, innocent, ernest...i'm ready for a hot bath and to put s and s to sleep...as i type that story just came and put his head on my lap...giving me hugs and snugs and we call them...