walking home from the pool

i missed a day :( we went to a concert...el ten eleven at the casbah...didn't get home until 2 a.m...

Full day

lame post...trying to fulfill my daily posting...

this photo was from sea making body art (she was going to walk around the neighborhood and offer to draw with markers on people)...she is showing her book of things she can draw and story is showing of his "garbage truck" she made on his chest...

today i woke up early to do much of my friday cleaning. then i got grace (an early teen neighbor who the children adore from our neighborhood pool) to babysit while i attended an art corps informational brunch. really nice to hang out with other moms who share a love of art and involvement in their schools...drank too much coffee, admired the director's lovely home and landscaped yard and just soaked in relaxation...then manuel got off early and we spent the majority of the afternoon at the pool...temps in the high 80's and a little humid like east coast weather...but again, hung out in the shade and in the pool and relaxed with margaritas (made from fresh squeezed lemon juice and sugar water blended with ice instead of margarita mix...we really need to buy some citrus trees so this can become our usual)...intended to leave around 7 to attend a block party near our neighborhood (friends who live around the corner invited us) but sea was playing with several of her "students" from school in the pool until the pool shut down...headed over to my friend char's house (her daughter ruhi is one of sea's best friends and she will start kindergarten at sea's school this fall...sea and ruhi are only 3 months apart in age) where the block party had migrated (at least the kids had)...drank blood orange and organic white wine spritzers and ate healthy homemade food char had prepared much earlier and just sat in lawn chairs in their front yard and relaxed and talked while the children ran around, did gymnastics on the lawn, rode scooters, played imaginative games about building a water slide down her bank, etc. it was a nice day...very full...i'll have much to do to catch up with the usuals of life but a nice summer experience!

letting people down

"more in the a.m."...and that is how i would have left it until sometime (i don't have) in the morning...but i woke up after putting the children to bed to make a pot of beans so we can have bean and cheese burritos tomorrow at the pool...

"letting people down" was just the idea in my head before going to bed. i wasn't sure where i was going with it or who specifically i was letting down, but it felt like a burden...a lot of people...or at least the important ones...including myself, were being let down...

i'm not sure where to begin with this idea and i know it will circle back around (or not) as i free associate on this topic...actually, i think i may go to bed after all...worried my husband and children may wake up (not to mention the dog) and that my self-absorption wouldn't be worth the time i'm taking to get this off my chest...too self-indulgent...

but while i've got the idea in my head, i just feel like much of my sense of self has been around being a people-pleaser or at least giving of myself and often it is too much or to the wrong people or hurts those i care about the most in the process...vague...i've been trying to have more integrity, put my family first instead of making them wait while i work my way through my long social network or my own needs first...this has been productive in some ways and in others i've let even more people down...

balance...lack thereof...independence, dependence, depression...identity...i have so much more responsibility raising two children and being married to my husband than i did when it was only myself i hurt with my decisions...this is good and bad, of course...

just glanced at our wall calendar...august...photo taken last august before sea started kindergarten...huge toothy grin where she is missing her first tooth on the bottom and grinning in her polka dot swim suit at the beach...now she is just over a week away from first grade and has THREE loose teeth...the top two middle and a third one on the bottom...these things make me extra sad or at least aware of the passage of time...

just added "loss" as a label for this post...most directly thinking literally about the teeth but also my dad, what i lose when i give up some options or commit to others...but the commitment and integrity involved in doing so somehow is better than leaving all options open and never choosing...these ideas are so philosophical...i'm going more in circles than coming to conclusions...hopefully with a little extra coffee and less guilt over waking my family i will have more to share in the morning...

close up

network down

i lost (or rather broke myself) our internet connection tonight. negligence, rushing...whatever the exact reason it was sort of a metaphor for losing connection in other areas of myself as well. i'm making a pot of beans to cook overnight and going to bed...

motivation without coffee

i've been seriously lagging today...so much so i couldn't even summons up the energy to find a cool photo of myself with coffee...i try not to be addicted...go 3 and 4 days between to avoid caffeine headaches but i suppose even more importantly so it is a treat and/or WORKS when i need it to...i didn't even have the energy to make coffee today...so tired i'm off to bed...hope to supplement this idea tomorrow...

san diego book club #1

this past wednesday night i went to a wine bar for mom's night out time with friends, wine, conversation, time away from my children and for our first book club meeting...probably in that order. the book club part is a secondary agenda though i love to read and am excited about that part, too, if i can ever find the time to read. our book for this month is the paris wife by paula mclain. i believe it is a fictional story based loosely on letters and records between hemmingway and his first wife....a love story told from her point of view. i'm excited to read it.

we spent all day at the dog beach today. i'm too tired to upload photos...i spent an hour or so reading part of salinger's the catcher in the rye which i'm ashamed i've never read. i'll write another blog post when i finish it but the main character/narrator reminds me of my husband in many ways. he is a teenager but i could imagine my husband being similar at that age and still see some traits currently...i'm being vague...but it is nice to enjoy a classic book and also relate with it on a personal level...

Something to post

leap of faith

so both of my children are now officially swimming and leaping off diving boards...sea even did front flips shortly after passing the swim test before someone asked her if she was scared and then the idea came into her head so now she won't try them anymore...story had to walk to the end of the diving board several times before deciding it was worth the plunge. i believe he jumped to me a couple times first but now this is already old news and he runs and jumps before he gets to the end...flying...i need to take a leap of faith in several areas in my life so here's hoping this photo, idea, my son can inspire me...

mom and dad's wedding anniversary

today would have been my parent's 43rd wedding anniversary. this post has to be very short because my house is upside down...trying to down size, organize, throw out or properly put away too much i've held on to in stuff and memories...photos, slides, projects...will update once i've finished...love and miss you dad...

thoughts on a summer morning

here is a photo of sea in between riding her bike outside with her super safe helmet, creating a "super why" character by covering blocks with paper and coloring/drawing on them...in her swim suit ready for the pool later...

it is 8 a.m. and my children are still sleeping...their summer schedule has kept them quite active and with less sleep than i'd like. normally i'm be thrilled to have them sleeping and have some alone "me" time...but this morning i'm feeling somewhat depressive, incomplete...wishing for something to "fill" me or at least distract me...a good cup of hot coffee to sip would be a start but i don't have the energy to grind and french press it and it feels more like something i'd like to do than something i'd actually enjoy...balancing ideals with the actual experience...ongoing struggle for me...i'm listening to radiohead on slacker...probably doesn't help the depressive energy...reminds me of pretty hopeless feelings i used to have in college days and beyond...though this was one of the best concerts i attended with my husband on a rare date night after the children were born...

..."if i could be...all you wanted...if i could be...all you wanted...all the time...all the time..." --fake plastic trees

i struggle with self-esteem issues...guilt...never good enough for myself or others...not really where i want my focus to be this morning...

so i skipped to "house of cards" a song manuel has played in playlists recently...reminds me of him...

i'm at a bit of an impasse...there are the things i "need" to do...the things i want to do, the things my children want to do...idealizing there are only a couple weeks of summer left and what to do to fill our time...there are playdates i want to have, playdates others want to have with us that i would be doing for their benefit and at our expense...places to go like the zoo, sea world, parks...really i just want to hang out at home...take the children on walks/bike rides...do art, make books (stories about their life/wishes)...

...READ...this is one regret i've had the past few years...my children have been in different places/attention spans with reading so i've not tried to find books i could read to both at the same time...or made other things higher priorities...i want to model how much i love to read and encourage them to do more reading on their own but more importantly read more to them...we signed up for a reading program in coronado where they get little beads for each book they read but i want to sign up locally, too...

our puppy is sleeping on the chair nearby...the kitten just ran out the back...i probably have a few minutes ( i was going to type "before the children awake")...as i was typing "little chewey" came stumbling into the front room...kyra jumped off her chair, tail wagging to say good morning...chewey was wearing his favorite, too small, "camping" sweatshirt with tents, trees, bears etc. on it...this is the shirt he will put on when asked to get dressed on his own...he rubbed his eyes and climbed onto my lap with his characteristic big smile...

i was just going to add that our past month here at home has included jaunts in the back yard (climbing the olive tree, playing in the play house, riding bikes/scooters), role playing about baby green or kendall, pretending they are characters from two of their favorite shows...martha speaks or super why, creating zoos out of blocks and animals, fighting/not sharing what each wants to play with or trying to control how they should play together, asking for just one movie/t.v. (this hasn't happened as often as i thought it would and i can still distract them to play instead)

...yesterday sea started face painting with markers on chewey...drew a garbage truck (his favorite) on his chest...then she got out letters and envelopes and made a book of pictures she could draw and wrote notes to the neighbors to let them know she could do face drawings for them...she wanted to go door-to-door to offer this but manuel came home early and we went to the pool instead...

there is always so much i could do/need to do...i'm going to read them some books this morning, go grocery shopping at the "monkey george" store (trader joes has a green monkey children search for to get a treat) and then work on being productive...m will probably come home early and we will go to the pool again...i have my first book club meeting at a wine bar in north park tonight...maybe i'll break out that book i was reading to have something to talk about other than my children...though they are my favorite topic :)

one of my friends was blogging about how now that both her children are in school and she has more time she is reflecting on who she is and her identity apart from being a mommy...i'm not quite there yet...my identity is fully wrapped around their lives and i'm loving it that way...which is interesting because when i first had children/started blogging i remember being a little obsessed with ideas of independence/dependence and figuring out who i was and where i was relative to all the needs my children had...but i don't have time for all these thoughts as our summer morning has officially begun and i must go chase pablo, our kitten scampering in the yard, make some breakfast, get us dressed/hair brushed (one of my goals is to do this earlier than we have)...those three dots "..." should be leading to some idea but i don't know what it is...i'm enjoying living in the moment where "what is" is just the idea/thing happening now...

of course that thing right now would be my son dunking our kitten into my too hot lavender bubbly bath...getting his and his sister's clothes all wet, water all over the floor in the process...

here is a close-up of the character from super why....

story passed the swim test

this afternoon manuel got off work early and we did our usual family routine...(ok we didn't have bean and cheese burritos as the beans were still cooking when we left) and packed up the kids lubed up in sunscreen, big towels, change of clothes, chlorine-removing shampoo, iphone with music playlist and speakers, adult beverage, snacks for the kids to eat/share with friends and headed to our community pool. story just learned how to swim within the past couple weeks and he showed me how he could swim the width of the pool and back for the first time earlier today. then later in the day sea said "hey story, why don't you pass the swim test so you can jump off the diving board with me?" and he said "sure!" and did...without even thinking about it...kinda crazy...he is only 3-years-old and swam both lengths of the pool and treaded water for 30 seconds...

his swim stroke is a cross between the back stroke, flipped to his side stroke and a rotating crawl that looks like synchronized swimming...he takes his time and looks so relaxed...

long day in the sun so i'm off to bed...i don't know if i mentioned i'm going to try and post/upload a photo for every day of the next 182 days until my 40th birthday...

happy 39 and a half birthday to me!

this is my 1st grade photo...my daughter sea starts 1st grade in 3 weeks...today is my half birthday (yes, i do keep track and sometimes--personally--celebrate my halves!)...noteworthy to me for two reasons...i'm half the way through the last year in my 30's and i don't feel anything different. in a good way. i usually over-analyze where i'm at in life, what i've done (get nostalgic) or what i still hope to do...more specifically, who i hope to be...figuring myself out...not feeling good enough, often depressive on my birthday and/or half birthday. but today i was struck by how normal i felt. how i went about through a typical daily routine of things i needed to do and was less self-absorbed than usual...right now my daughter is having a "late up night" watching some adventure journey show with her dad and i feel i'm missing out...so, much more to say on this topic of myself and my birthday and ideals and goals and mommy journey but i'll save it for the early morning if i can get up before my family...

Auntie raspberry's wedding

i got home so late after such a long day all i could post last night was the title...my red haired cousin (hence the "raspberry" nickname...just like sea has "strawberry blonde hair") got married today. i took almost 500 photos which isn't that noteworthy for me but i did get a few good shots which was surprising only because i had to chase sea and story opposite directions on their sugar highed sleep deprived zooming around the grounds...

love and peanut butter pie

my mom used to make peanut butter pie when we were growing up...i recently read this heart breaking post on my friend amanda's blog about a fellow blogger whose husband died suddenly of a heart attack. apparently he loved peanut butter pie and she asked that we make peanut butter pie and hug our families close this past friday in remembrance of him...so we are in my home town this weekend for my cousin's wedding so i asked my mom to make the pie...we are up late, kids playing with auntie and mimi...story is saying "CHEEEEESSSSSSSE!!!" in a very loud cheesy voice in this photo...off to bed...

eating rocket ship popcicles

i was much more interested in blogging this morning when i'd had just a little bit too much kona coffee with vanilla flavored coconut cream...i was buzzing around the house, proud of myself for getting so much accomplished so early...usually friday comes around and i'm left with too much i'm trying to cram in and no free time...but today i agreed to meet a friend at the children's museum downtown at 2 which meant i had to feed the children two meals, clean them up, clean the house and do laundry before i left. right now i have resorted to letting them watch "martha speaks", probably their favorite show on PBS kids while they eat homemade rocket ship popcicles like the ones shown here...of course i'm also trying to cook dinner...pasta with vegetables, olive oil, garlic, toasted pine nuts...fresh tomatoes and fresh basil out of our garden...i'm thinking about opening a bottle of red wine...kids are fighting over what to watch...dog is looking for things to chew...cat is trying to escape outside...i need to start making plans for going out of town for my cousin ally's wedding...mom and sis want us to come tonight but i think we aren't going until tomorrow...off to be productive and i'll check back in when i have more time (ha!) or at least more creative juices (caffeine)...

sea world with auntie marci

Mary "puppet" poppins

just got back from the opening night here in san diego of mary poppins...we were a little higher than i would have liked to be (if i saw the show again i'd try to sit somewhere where she could fly over our head at the end)...but this has been one of sea's all time favorite movies that she likes to watch over and over and she sings all the little songs so we were super excited to go as a family...

this first shaky photo is when mary poppins first arrived with the note from the children with their requests in a nanny...(quick disclaimer for the rest of the photos...there was "no cameras or video recorders allowed" and so i took these photos from the balcony, with my zoom lens, with no flash, hidden behind the camera case! also recorded many songs with my iphone videotaping at the same time so i'm fairly impressed with how they turned out!)...
"a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down..."
"supercalifragilistickxpialidocious"
right before mary poppins took off into the sky (i got too excited and took it too early)...
would have been a good shot if i'd calmed down and wasn't shaking the camera...
"let's go fly a kite!"
mary poppins flying with the kites...
i could totally imagine sea doing theatre...she was enthralled...singing, dancing standing up in her seat...hugest smile on her face...we even went afterwards to talk with mary poppins up at the stage...until they started talking about the logistics of how they got her up with cables...fortunately sea wasn't listening and we were able to leave with her wanting to purchase an umbrella like mary poppins' so she could fly, too...

"cindergordin"

i've really had trouble with balance lately...wanting to put my family and being in the moment before others or this blog or not to worry more about recording life over living it...signing up for nablopomo doesn't help...i know it usually only motivates me to get on here and then i resent when days go by i HAVE to make time for this blog but am not feeling it...or at the expense of my family...

i feel like i'm coming to a cross roads or pivotal milestone or time of change or something like that for my daughter, sea. she just turned 6 the end of last month...but something about not being able to count her age all on one hand...not having the "play based" kindergarten...i'm not sure what the difference is, but i feel it. or maybe i'm projecting it onto her from my own experiences at her age...i know when i studied child development in my psychology classes they talked about how impressionable the first five years are...am i losing my influence on her now? i'm over-analyzing all this but she is worried about something, too. the last few weeks she will bring up how she doesn't want to go to school. i try to calmly ask her why and find out what she is worried about and she usually says something about wanting to stay home with me...that she can always do home school instead. it is true, i have told her if school doesn't work out that we can do that...i just haven't figured out what the criteria is for not working out...i've told her she needs to at least give first grade a chance.

i adored her kindergarten teacher. i think the only thing i could have adored about her more is if she had been warm and fuzzy and emotional and touchy feely but those qualities probably would have been at the expense of some of her characteristics that really worked for sea and our family like her strength, security, forceful nature...she is passionate in her beliefs and has the integrity to do what she believes in over the wishes of the school, district, state, etc. that kept shoving "worksheets" at her...she insisted on hands on learning, letting children play, move, be children, learn at their own pace, learn through art, music, dance...and by golly sea learned to read even when we did no homework and my only goal was for her to enjoy being a child and play...i have been looking for a similarly minded 1st grade teacher and unfortunately with budget cuts they've moved people around and i don't know who we will get...i know sea is strong, adaptable, secure, enjoys learning...she'll probably do fine with more structure and even with homework. but i think we are both worried. i asked her last night to tell me more about kindergarten. i was hoping if she could tell me about her experiences from last year i might get a feel for how that might contrast with her expectations for 1st grade. so maybe tomorrow i'll ask her to make me a book about 1st grade.

here is what she wrote about "cindergordin" (i love her phonetic spelling and that her teacher encourages it and doesn't try to correct it so they will try on their own):

"we dra thans awt of shaps"
"we mac sure (can't read how she wrote that) evryone is he rit now"
"we do reses thas the fonist ever now" (richard scarry reference with the "best __ ever")
"we pat (paint) ik"
"we do math"
"bot i do not like skool" (love her arms crossed and colored in for emphasis)
"i like to sta hom"
i believe we are hugging each other in this last drawing...i really want to hold on to her "too" tightly (we say things like i love you "too much" when we really like something)...not sure how to let go enough to let her thrive and find her own way when there is so much i want to influence and be a part of...