time passing by

i'm listening to "time after time"...a song suggested to me just after i started writing this blog post...i apologize that is has been over 2 weeks :( sure way to lose readers and lose touch and lose focus and get stuck in a funk where i have NO motivation to come out and start blogging again...but time does move on and will pass me by whether i jump on and live along or mope in the background...

i do look forward to catching up with you. and sharing my life. and living it again. i've been in a funk coupled with crazy 20 year high school reunion planning (i'm looking for a good 80's song to sing harmony at the reunion...my soprano duet partner suggested time after time by cyndi lauper which i sang very flat back in junior high with my best friend? maybe this is my chance to redeem myself...or maybe this is just a song that i will always sing a little flat and i should look for something else...would love your input)...

i miss hayno dearly. my children don't understand why she is gone from their lives. i don't have really good reasons, either. another friend is in a coma (she was like a second mom to me throughout college...i would drop by and chat, eat, do laundry...her sons were in my class...she still has an open home and i've stayed there several times visiting the area since college). she had brain surgery over a year ago and has like 48 hours left to live. so i'm re-living the feelings i had losing my dad (empathizing with her boys) although it is a little different since they've had time to prepare...not sure if i can say which is worse...both so sad...

and i haven't had the energy to think too much about these things or process my feelings or lack of resolution. on top of all this i've gotten hardly any sleep (sea is going through a growth spurt waking up at 3 a.m.ish wanting a sandwich and story is going through some change--talking a lot more--where he just doesn't want to sleep...naps or at night)...i really didn't want this to be a "woe me" post as i can take responsibility for not blogging and/or just move past the fact that it has been so long and get back into regular posts and get over it already...

i was thinking about some story i heard that went something like "when i was a teen i was dying to drive. when i was 18 i was dying to get married. when i was in my 20's i was dying to have children. when i was in my 30's i was dying to have a better career....etc. and now i am dying and wondering why i forgot to live"...now i'm listening to annie lennox's "why"...such a sad song...reminds me of lonely days right after college and right before i got together with my husband...but just the idea of "why" and how sometimes we just don't understand the whys but we still keep living...

i really do want to focus on my children. be less self-absorbed. realize how fast they are growing up and that sea will start kindergarten in the fall and i want to BE here experiencing life with them in these moments i have before they are as busy as me and off on their own agendas...reminds me of the song "cats in the cradle" by harry chapin carpenter...how the dad never had time for his son and then when the son grew up "i wanna be like you dad" he was the same way...listen to it if you aren't familiar...

on that note, i'm off to cuddle with my children and appreciate life and maybe check into this blog now and then...if not, hopefully i'm embracing them literally and figuratively...thanks for your support and i look forward to connecting in a few weeks...