this photo was taken in front of my cousin dave's house in redlands...about a year before my dad passed away. i like it because he is wearing a dopey hat...proudly...and he looks happy as always...i miss him so much..."too much" as sea would say, only that is an understatement. yesterday would have been my parents' 41st wedding anniversary. i called my mom to tell her i was thinking of her, but per usual she was working to forget and we weren't in the same place emotionally...i know i don't love my dad more if i cry longer, harder, weep to the point of being detached from my family...i know that psychologically or logically or whatever but i feel so much pain still i don't know what to do. i really should get grief couseling so i can "move on"...don't get me wrong, i have periods of elation where i'm not focused on the pain of his absence...overall i have a wonderful life...i even wrote a facebook status update just a few days ago:"i am lying on the beach with story asleep on top of me...sea playing in the sand...daddy relaxing in a beach chair...I love our life..."
so i'm not meaning to be so self-absorbed and depressive...that is just where i'm at in this moment. the cousins just went home, sea just got over her sadness from their departure and she is playing happily by herself while story naps. i want nothing more than to go snuggle up by story and go to sleep (wish sea would join us but she gave up naps around age 2)...but the house is in shambles and i know i would feel better about myself if it were clean...i'd also feel better about myself if i ate less sugar, drank less caffeine, exercised, and went to bed at a good time...so many things on my self-improvement list. when i care more about that list (i have actually exercised for 3 days in a row now) i will post more on that topic...
i generally like to conclude with some little diddy to hang on...for myself or for some reader or something clever or something to think about...but i don't have any right now...thanks for staying with me through the gray sky days...now to just remind myself it is actually sunny here...and almost always is, for that matter...my dad would say just the right thing...i need to find the strength to find that positive "silver lining" perspective he always had...
This is such a meaningful post, Denise...you're 100% right...it IS sunny here..and almost always is.
ReplyDeletexo
Hi Denise, I found you on Julie's blog. Can I just say that from your words on your post, I can see that your Dad left a wonderful legacy. To be remembered by his daughter with such love, positive memories and those little quirky things, I believe, is all a parent wants. He obviously played such an important role in who you are today as a wife, mother and friend. He will always be a part of you.
ReplyDeleteGrieving is part of this journey and it will get easier but I know you'll always miss him. I'm blessed to have both my parents still in good health but I lost my grandfather when I was 23. Yesterday I was talking to my husband about him for some reason because we now live in my grandparents house, and the tears always flow when I talk about him or think about him and it's been 19 yrs. I remember him like it was yesterday.I still miss him so much and have memories of just wanting to be with him and fighting with my sisters about who would sit next to him during the holidays. (my poor grandmother!)
You've lost a parent which I can't even imagine your pain. Like my grandfather, your dad left a wonderful impression on this world and that is a gift. Sorry for rambling, just wanted to let you know how deeply your post touched me this morning. You also seem like a really fun mom for your little one's. Enjoy them! Have a wonderful day! Julie, Boston, MA