loss revisited

this was one of the photos in our wedding slide show...manuel's mom thinks he and my dad look alike here so i guess that would explain why sometimes story looks like both of them to me...this photo was taken almost 15 years ago...when manuel and i were just friends...

i'm stalling. don't want to dive in to loss. i've built up some pretty strong coping mechanisms to keep the pain of my own loss at bay...but tonight i got an e-mail from a dear friend that her husband's dad lost his battle with cancer...i immediately shot her an e-mail about how i didn't know what to say and even when you expect to someday lose someone it is unfathomable that it has really happened and how permanent it is...that after losing my dad i was torn between wanting people to reach out to me and wanting to be left alone in the horror of my pain...believing no one could say anything to make it better and not wanting to have to say anything to make them feel better, either. so i told her to send my love and let me know if there is anything i can do...

these all seem like just words. facts. ideas i'm vaguely aware of but not connecting with. i felt so emotionally drained when i heard this news and wanted to use it to connect with her, with him, with my own loss...but instead i just feel empty. i was happy that i can look at photos of my dad again without feeling like i want to throw up...tears well up in my eyes and it hurts a lot but i feel remnants of the happiness he brought me so many years...that's progress i suppose...but i'm not trying to evaluate my journey of mourning...just trying to figure out how to support my friend...and be...and live...