stunned and helpless

i imagine that title could be about many things going on right now...the dow dropping close to 800 points for example, but instead this is much closer to home and to my heart...

i just got a breath stopping message about a dear friend from college. i'm stunned and crying at the same time and i'm sure many of her friends (and a few of my readers) feel the same way. seems an otherwise healthy 30 something collapsed at work and they determined she had a blood clot that traveled to her brain stem and she is now in a coma. i'm not sure what any of that means or her prognosis...she is such a good friend and person and it has been way too long since i have kept in touch with her and i feel so helpless. i feel like i should be driving up to central california to be with her family at least. for someone who is usually quite verbose, i am at a loss for words. makes me want to reach out to everyone i care about and hold on to them more tightly...but i'm still aware how helpless i am with this situation. i will continue to pray for her and hope those of you who believe can do the same...

looking backwards

i've been sending random friends from facebook to this blog to "catch up on my life" and realized i don't have too many family photos posted so this seemed like a good photo...i felt very self-absorbed in my last post and although i still feel a little depressive i've pulled out of the fog enough to focus on the present...ahh...the title is looking backwards...so i guess i could spend many many blogs talking about my past; writing an autobiography, lamenting regrets, missing memories with my dad, etc. but really i'm writing about looking backwards in order to better look forwards...

one of my first posts was about "blank pages" and the idea that i always leave space in my journal to fill in what i don't have time to write about or don't feel i write well enough or want to supplement or improve or don't have the emotional energy to share...i haven't written in my actual paper journal for over a week for many of these reasons but mainly due to lack of time...so as i was thinking about these literal and figurative blank pages and what i needed to update on this blog, i thought i'd just post about the idea of looking backwards.

i haven't updated two different coop preschool summaries and once i do i will post some "looking back" photos here...

one of the major problems with the idea of "looking back" or trying to leave space to go back is first of all of course i never do...but on a more fundamental level of how i live my life, the other problem is then i can't live in the present because i'm consumed by the past and how that wasn't good enough to move forward. so after preschool tomorrow i will post a summary and photos even if i haven't finished the two before or posted any photos...that way i can stay current from this point forward...oh, if only i could use that same philosophy in so many other areas of my life (backing up photos/printing photos and putting them in a current album are two major ones that come to mind).

also, i've been thinking if i could become a more regular blogger, more personal, more disclosing, more interesting, etc. and could get more readers, i'd love to post ideas of topics i'd like to write about and have people comment what topics they'd like to discuss so this blog had more of a dialogue feel to it...

i used to be in a wonderful group (most of the others were english professors at the college i taught at) where we would throw out topics to discuss, pick one, write a one page essay (this could be fiction, poetry, free association or just our experience with the topic), trade essays so we had all read one anothers and then get together over drinks and reply...what we liked/disliked about one another's writing and/or opinions etc....these discussions got quite heated! especially when some of the topics turned to values (what is the one thing you wish to teach your child?) or religion or parenting...but sometimes they were as simple as "what is your favorite book/author and why?"...i read a book once where well known authors answered this question in a collection of essays and it was really interesting how their choices reflected in their own writing/life...in teaching i've often told students that different psychologists' theories came straight from their own experiences...so what about you dear reader? what would you like to write about? discuss? what experiences or philosophies color your present life? what shout out do you want to give to the world? what really matters?

oh no...i'm revisiting my thesis again with discussions of meaning in life, identity, happiness, etc. so i will get back to the present but allow your imagination or free associations to color my future blogs...looking forward to your input!

balance, tipping over and maybe m's pie theory

it is almost 2 a.m...story is whimpering in his sleep and i'll have to leave shortly to nurse him...which is appropriate in a blog about trying to find balance...on my mommy's journey where sleep is the first to go and my needs are often on the back burner...i'm obviously putting my need to get all these ideas out of my head above sleep right now...story is trying to "balance" literally here in this photo but this blog is about much more balancing that needs to be done...(and even though it seems like the 6 month old should be the one tipping over when he pulls himself up all the time now, he is actually much more stable than me...)

my thesis (yeah, the one that took almost 7 years to complete because i thought i had to find the meaning of life, report back on this for everyone and figure out who i was and what my values were and simultaneously live with integrity while finding meaning and living in the present, etc) was in many ways about balance. so this post could be really simple: we need balance in most areas for happiness, optimum functioning, etc... (kind of like i know that to be less depressed i need more sleep, to eat better, to exercise, get more sunshine, enjoy the little moments with my family, ask for help, accept help, accept myself, not try to control everything, let go of more things, hold on to more things....hmm the simplicity of this list is feeding my obsessive issues, too...so i'll stop there...my point was just that i can make the list and it seems simple and easy but somehow i get caught up in analysis or LIFE and miss out on too many of these things and end up depressed an exhausted. and then mad at myself that i know this and still don't give the important things enough time or energy. then i blame this on the depression...i have too little energy to devote to the important things...so the cycle continues and i suppose i'm posting this at 2 a.m. instead of sleeping (yes, i get the irony there) in order to get these cycles and this anxiety out of my head in hopes of implementing it more...may exercise (ok, go for a walk at least) with the kids tomorrow and report back...maybe even try going to bed early (or at least before 2 a.m.?) and plan meals so i'm not gobbling down whatever i can find last minute...maybe part of this problem is the whole wait until i REALLY have to do it procrastination problem i have...

had to stop the free association rambles to let the cat out...now that i'm back i lost the train of thought i never had...

oh, one other anxiety i have to get off my chest for the few who read this...i apologize for not returning e-mails, calls, attending playgroups, being active on facebook, etc. and promise once i get this "balance" thing worked out better i'll get back to connecting with all of you (and even those who don't follow my blog) and when i signed on to post i was prompted to add blogs i follow or "read" so i apologize in advance that i only added a few and have many more talented friends i do follow and do intend to put on there...comment on here is you are one of them so i'll get to you sooner...

ok, now i can go back to the point of this post and the semi-epiphany i was having tonight as i lay in bed with my body longing to physically shut down but my head too full and my heart aching so i tipped several scales and hope something benefits for the others that lose out if that makes sense? this i another post entirely (although very related) about balancing my thoughts and my feelings. one always wins and the other loses. why can't i find a win-win equation? i feel like crying right now but that reminds me of the third variable, my body. like i can separate my thoughts and feelings but they both reside inside a physical body that i also must care for...so maybe literally crying would help release both right now? i know sleep and better self care would definitely help both...but the obsessive need to get all this down right now is somehow helping release the thoughts and i am feeling better so i'll keep the rambles up...

story really is waking up so i'm going to have to get to m's pie theory later...wait, maybe those whimpers are still semi-unconscious so i'll give you the cliff note version:

when i was working on my thesis manuel shared with me one of his theories that life is like a pie...you can give one thing a whole bunch of your time, energy, value etc. or you can split up your life into a whole bunch of things and each only gets a sliver at the expense of the others...let's just say i feel like my pie is in crumbs right now and i want to get to a place where i can at least tell that all of this adds up to a whole in some way...on a symbolic level i feel like "me" is no longer even a pie...not sure if that makes sense but i'm losing myself in this process.

ok i'm starting to hate this post...i'm not "feeling" anything i'm writing anymore, i'm no longer feeling anything in fact (wish i had cried i guess) and the thoughts are drying up so i'll post this just to be vulnerable and current but not because i think it has nearly as much to say as when i was lying in bed thinking about posting...i thought because i felt like i was going to tip over instead of finding a balance that this blog would help stop the process but instead i already feel tipped? maybe a little sleep will help and tomorrow i can wake up with a new day to try and balance (or just be grateful i have the day and not worry if it is balanced?)

solids, spoons, smiles, sea and story

this is one of those posts where the photos say it all and i should just not even try to narrate but i just wanted to add that story has only had breast milk for 6 months and he was born 9 lbs 3 oz and is in the 98th percentile in length so i was advised to start him on solids even though i didn't feel ready...you can see he is more than ready and literally feeding himself with a spoon the first time he ate solids! he is also teething quite a bit as you'll be able to tell in the photo with the corn on the cob. his sister is super excited that he gets to eat at the table with us now and i think it will be great having her help feed him although he really enjoys doing it himself...

coloring outside (inside?) the lines

ok so today i was able to squeeze in just a little coop preschool and our topic was "fire safety" complete with "stop, drop and roll", learning how to call 9-1-1 and doing a smoke detector fire drill...here is the page of a firefighter that sea colored...i love the colors she chose...but the most noteworthy part of this particular art is how much she stayed inside the lines and my emotional reaction to that...

i remember trying so hard to color inside the lines and not being very good at it (or at least as good at is as older kids or my artistic friend cara) so eventually i embraced my dramatic and bold coloring outside of the lines and made it part of my identity to do things differently, my own way and be proud of who i was...

this topic could get much deeper and more personal than i originally intended...anyway, there is a lot of symbolism here about life, how i view it, how i view myself, my place in it, etc...so i'm trying to be careful not to project all this on to sea. i should point out that i was focusing on how fun the coloring was and liking that she chose her favorite color orange, etc. when commenting on the picture to her so i'm not sure where all these "issues" are coming from for me...

part of me got excited that she was trying to color inside the lines without me suggesting she should and part of me was worried she was going to feel like she should do that or that would make me happier and then part of me wanted her to be a rebel and WANT to color outside the lines BECAUSE she was supposed to stay inside of them...see all the symbolism of life and the way you live (or lead/model as a parent)...

so here is a picture of her from a week ago creating a beetle craft...i thought it was really cute and creative of her that she wanted to put feet on her bug and then made wings (on top of the cut out wings) out of feathers and then on top of that wanted eyebrows made out of sequins ...
this post is not nearly as interesting to me as it was when i first saw sea trying to color inside the lines...not sure where i was going...i've noticed i have so much on my plate these days that i easily lose my train of thought and something that seemed profound or important is out of reach or uninteresting to me moments later...that makes blogging hard on me and perhaps even harder on you the reader...so maybe i can get some comments on your experiences with coloring inside (or outside) of the lines...i know most of my blogging friends are WAY out of the lines and happy about it...there i go making assumptions again...this is why i would be a bad therapist because i try to relate and imagine where people are coming from...jump right in before i allow them to get in touch with their own ideas and express themselves from their place. i'll try to be less self-absorbed but really blogging itself is very much that way so i guess i just have to go with it and invite you readers to help me regain my thoughts or follow yours for a change...

blogging friends and inspirations

ok so i love writing and i love photos and i can never decide which i love more. so i try to combine them on this blog...and end up obsessing over capturing the perfect photo to depict some concept i can't quite write about as well as i'd like...today i was flittering (did i just make up that word?) around different blog sites of friends and friends of friends and found that my blog was listed on several people's sites and then i felt guilty i haven't made it a priority to check out their sites more often and really what struck me the most was that some of my favorite posts didn't have photos at all! granted these people are better writers...more clever, more succinct in relaying ideas, better at choosing representative details, better at helping the reader visual the concept, etc. etc. things i obsess about that prevent me from blogging but i was really quite excited that the words themselves could pull me in, help me relate, want me to learn more about them or share more about myself. so i'm back. not worried about what photo will best depict this idea and not worried what idea i'm trying to get down. just treating this like the free association online journal i had intended it to be back in the day when i was going to be more dilligent about posting...hey i can't even find spell check but i'm letting the grammar go along with the run on sentences for the sake of principle and of letting go and just writing freely...it feels great! better than your experience of reading it i'm sure...but sometimes in doing something for yourself it helps others indirectly...thank you friends and friends of friends for helping me as i read through your blogs tonight! someday i'll have courage enough to have links to all these blogs without fearing i'm leaving someone out...i really obsess about way too many things...is that one of my labels? now i'm concerned it certainly should be...but there is a fine line between having representative labels to link ideas and having way too many labels so there aren't enough connections or every post could have all the same labels...like i think "living" was one i used a lot for awhile...i'm feeling like i shouldn't publish this post now since i could have stopped about halfway into these ideas and had a much more powerful concept to share...i'm getting too indulgent at the reader's expense but i can't stop now and am too narcissistic to go back and edit anything out...i think i better not re-read this for sure but now i've lost my train of thought (if i had one) and i don't know how to pull any of it back around or together or get to any point i had hoped to make...so re-read i will do and i will cringe as i go but at least appreciate my vulnerability and that i'm willing to look stupid for the sake of rawness and realness and being in the moment...there are loftier goals i could spend these late night hours accomplishing...i do feel better, though...perhaps for now that is enough.