the journey forward

this photo was taken in may, 2004 one year before my dad passed away. we were driving in petersburg, va (his hometown) back east for his mom's funeral. we had a specific destination in mind but i remember when i took this photo it felt more conceptual...just the journey of life and i was especially struck by the sun highlighting my father's worn yet supportive hand on the wheel so to speak...i feel very morbid and dramatic typing this but the reality is the last memory i would have of him would be holding this same hand after he passed...so from a conceptual standpoint i am just thinking about life as a journey and passing experiences and support on through the generations...and beyond the symbolism what i would do to just hold his hand and not let go...

on some unconscious level i guess i feel like i have to write about him or his effect on my life to keep his memory alive or show others my deep love for him and how much he meant (means) in my life but i must remind myself that truly he would rather my life reflect that and not obsess over including him in there specifically.

his sister recently wrote (in reply to an e-mail i sent her...my words in quotes):

"..I guess I felt badly that you didn't mention my dad at all"(in an e-mail to me on the anniversary of his death)

she replied:

Denise, There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of my brother, your Dad and also my mother and father. I miss them all so much.They were every important people in my life ,as far back as I can remember. The memories will never go away, but somehow we must go forward and live our life for and with the love ones we have around us. You have two beautiful children that you love very much, so concentrate on them. Life is not always fair. I know you feel they have been robbed, all too soon, of a wonderful loving granddaddy and you, a father. Also, think how much loss and pain your mother is feeling. He was her soul mate. He did so much for her and she is all alone. There are always positives to the negatives. Hopefully more of the positives.
I can't write down everything about my brother that I can remember from the past, It would take volumes Someday when we are together, we can talk and I hopefully can answer your questions.
Keep you chin up and know your Dad is somewhere over the rainbow, looking down on all of us with a great big grin on his face. He left us all with so much. Let's try not to disappoint him.
My love to all, _______

i felt resentful and angry i even have to figure out how to mourn/live without him but that is the reality...so instead i'm going to do what he always did and what she is right, he would want me to do, and focus on the positives and live my life well...

so this post is meant to be a symbolic "moving forward" to allow me to post about the random whatevers in my life experiences, my crazy thoughts and analysis, the mundane and sometimes sacred daily moments...here is one of sea eating breakfast...feeding her favorite friend goggin...