random thoughts

ok so no photos as i'm on my husband's laptop and all the photos are on the desktop...i've been so behind that i just wanted to jot down a bunch of random things that i've been thinking about or meaning to blog about or questions to myself or...etc...

groceries...still need to go to costco...produce...i miss be wise ranch although we can't afford it right now and so i'm looking forward to possibly having a garden...laundry...need to fold way too many clothes and put the wet ones in the dryer...which reminds me if we buy a house we will need to buy a washer and dryer...i also was thinking about what colors we would paint the rooms in this new house and how much i will miss all the natural light in our current apartment although we can't afford the solar tubes i eventually would like to put in this new house...sea had such a blast transferring water between sand pails at the beach today i really just can't wait to have a yard she can hang out in...chase after bugs, make mud pies, plant and water seeds, etc...want to get back in to reading more to her, going to the library storytimes more often, going to more parks, going to the beach more often, having playdates...which reminds me how much she loved swimming at the rec center in coronado and maybe i can work out a babysitting exchange to get swimming in for both of them...have already been working on this exchange in order to attend the mommy and me yoga on wednesday mornings...i also love going to farmer's market on sundays...eating samples and dreaming of many things i would buy regularly if we had more money but mainly just enjoying the sun and being in the mix with other like minded people...we've talked about having student from csusd rent a room in our house to help with the mortgage...i would love to find a person who shares some of my passions...manuel would be interested in getting someone who would speak spanish to sea...that would be nice, too but i think she has plenty of time to learn that and for now am more interested in attachment parenting values...so this person, though not a babysitter by any means would hopefully have many of the following qualities...ok, i'm not ready to come up with this list so my rambling will have to continue to other ideas...

i had both a wonderful and a horrible time at the playgroup at the beach today...LOVED the sun and beach air and it was nice to socialize and have friends hold the baby or chase after/play with sea...i was touched to watch sea ask one of her friends if she wanted to play with a toy sea was playing with and then later they held hands and skipped to the water and back with excited giggle the whole way...the horrible part was when the fog quickly rolled in and we had to go and all of a sudden sea wanted to run away full speed and story wasn't in the wrap and he had a poopy diaper and i didn't have enough free hands to hold my bag, a towel, the sheet we were sitting on, the wrap that had come undone...and i couldn't comfort or calm down either of them and they were dramatically crying almost to the point of screaming and i really wanted to just give in to sea and let her play on the play equipment and just have that moment to jiggle story and probably nurse him and then change him but i felt completely out of control and just wanted to get into the semi-safety of the car to let everyone calm down and regroup...in the meantime i felt like passerbyers (i can't think of the right word for this idea) were staring in horror and wonder at what i could have possibly done to my children for them to reach this level of melt down and i felt both fortunate to have a friend from playgroup who tried to help in as many ways as she could (offering to carry sea along with her toddler, caring my stuff, helping sea over walls, etc.) and really i was just so embarrassed i didn't want to accept help but at the same time really knew i needed it more than ever so it was nice to give in (this is a whole nother topic...the issue of control...letting people help me...)...did i mention when i finally did change story's diaper that i got poop on everything and then he peed all over? there were several other moments in this day that overwhelmed me and felt unbearable but i have done a good job blocking them out...

so i can focus on the other things i enjoyed about the day...i made a cup of tea (yerba mate chocolate flavored) with steamed soy mild and sipped this while sea enjoyed her first full cup of chamomile tea with me out of a grown up size mug...she even wanted us to have our cups side by side with the handles pointing the same way...she seemed so grown up and it was a nice shared moment together while we read books together...i also enjoyed watching her play with my strawberry shortcake dolls with lime green and white striped tights and funny hats...she told me the strawberry shortcake character was mommy and then there is a smaller doll who has similar reddish hair that she said was sea...another smaller doll was story and then the black haired doll (orange blossom?) was daddy...she was role playing with them and using a lot of phrases or common things i say in her discussion with them...

i really miss naps and i've told myself i need to just go to bed earlier but here i am at 1 a.m. still jotting down random ideas and not sure what i'm trying to figure out...feel like i'll never catch up with all the ideas in my head and i'm still looking for too many answers without even getting down all the questions but it is cathartic to free associate like this! so on that note i'll go back to lurking on various attachment parenting sites...