longest post ever...sleep or productivity

ok it is hard to move past an emotional posting about my dad but i have so many things on my mind and actually feel energized this morning...a new day...fresh start...time...and most importantly at this moment, the whole family is asleep...

just to give a little context about sleep...first of all, i love it! i used to sleep for up to 10 hours at night and definitely valued or felt like a needed regular 1-1.5 hour naps when i was in high school, college, and at some points after that (some of this may have been tied to depression, too) as i got older i didn't feel like i needed as much sleep to be productive but definitely still valued naps of 45 mins to an hour before sea was born.

when sea was little (not the sleeping all the time little, but about the point where regular naps are a regularity for most children) i mentioned to her doctor that she only slept for about 45 minutes when she napped...i paused, waiting for some helpful reply about how this would change with age or what i could do differently and the pediatrician's response was "i'm sorry"...so lack of sleep is something we've lived with since she was born...

i've very grateful to report that story is almost sleeping through the night at 2 months of age! by this i mean he rolls over and nurses a couple of times but sometimes this doesn't wake me up and he is able to keep sleeping through it many times (especially if i have the energy to get a burp out before i fall back asleep).

sea has been sleeping through the night for awhile now but she still has reflux or what we call "bubble" issues that awaken her periodically...for example, yesterday she was really fussy and actually whimpering and semi-crying while we were driving around in the car at about 1...this is what she will do when she is exhausted and ready to fall asleep (and she rarely does this...usually she will power through and then crash) but she woke up late this particular day and even though she was acting tired i figured there was something else going on...it sounded almost like a pained gassy cry...sure enough, she had this same cry later in the evening so we tried to take preventative measures with gas drops, lots of water, kefir (a probiotic like powerful yogurt)...she didn't go to bed until 11 but she did have a 2 1/2 hour nap yesterday...during which i really wrestled with the title of my post...i DESPERATELY wanted to sleep with her because napping is so rare for her these days...but i knew i was behind on being productive and at the very least i needed to pick up the house and get organized with what needed to be done (even if i didn't do it) so by the time i had done that, story woke up and since he sleeps so much, i couldn't really nurse him back to sleep so we could all sleep together so i just spent some awesome one on one time with him...staring in to his eyes, soaking in his baby smell, trying to remember and copy his new baby coos...and smiling back at him...he is normally quite serious, reflective, engaged at looking into people's eyes...but sometimes he just breaks into the hugest smile...bigger than sea's, even, at this age...and he'll keep smiling if you respond back...

we all slept well through the night and then around 5:30 both children were stirring and wanting to nurse...somehow i determined who needed it most and got them both fed and both back to sleep before 6 and then i realized i was wide awake and this would be a great time to be productive...so i brought story, who was stirring a little bit probably because he needed to burp, out to the front room and after rocking him with skin on skin contact (more for me than for him) i lay him down and then soon after heard sea semi-whimpering and semi-awake calling out to me in her sleep...she was squirming around when i went in to the bedroom and might have worked through it but after she passed some gas i thought maybe she had a bubble so i came in...found her diaper way too wet (all that water before bed plus nursing several times through the night) and made the decision to change it even if that meant she would wake up...but she didn't...this probably helped her go back to sleep...more nursing, rolled over ton snack story and then it was 7...i will have had a solid 30 minutes of alone time and then manuel will wake up around 7:30...

so now that i've update you with many details of "life as mommy"...some great things to remember and some just the basics of our life...i feel freed to begin my lists...i was going to title this post "goals" because i just wanted to sit down and list them to get them out of my head and start working on them, but i felt like all the sleep issues and nuances of our life that prevent me from getting to these lists were more important to get down first...

#1. the first goal has to do with procrastination

i could write a whole post on this...this is the "story of my life" (a phrase my mom likes to use) and in many ways has become part of my identity...i think that is a cop out on my part...like if it is part of who i am, then i can't change it...when i was younger i thought i had to wait until the last minute to do anything in order to be motivated to make it happen and now that i'm older, i still use that reasoning but it really doesn't work that well when you have to account for two small children who almost inevitably will throw off any time plans

i was just stopped mid-sentence by sea's desperate calls "mommy? mommy! mommy!" and i thought for sure she had a bubble...but she had just semi-woken up and i wasn't there...so after some reassuring words, stroking her hair, patting her tummy, snuggling up and breathing in to her neck...she was easily back asleep...it is 7:35 and manuel is sleeping in...

so back to procrastination and how i can't do it well...i should point out that was part of the whole identity thing, that i could not only wait until the last minute to say, write a 10 page research paper, but do it WELL so it was a challenge to see how long i could wait and how well the outcome could be...so of course if the outcome wasn't what i had hoped, i could say "well what did you expect, i did it at the last minute...if i'd started earlier, think how much better it would have been" but actually that reasoning just isn't true for me because i never could start early...so my new goal for myself is to make myself do things early just to see if i can.

manuel and i were fighting over this issue this weekend...friday i had been quite productive cleaning the house and doing 3 loads of laundry but then story got his own bubble or reflux or colic or gas or whatever the hell it was he kept crying for over an hour and couldn't be soothed so i felt helpless like that was the reason i couldn't finish everything and we left for our friend's house for dinner with piles of laundry everywhere and sea's toys strewn all over (they were all put away before story's meltdown but of course i let her play while i was absorbed with him) but really if i had started cleaning earlier in the week so i didn't have to do it all in one day, i wouldn't have been in this position...

then again on saturday morning i was wrapping a gift for a bday party moments before we walked out, trying to force sea to color a handmade bday card, and didn't have the photos uploaded off the digital camera so we couldn't take the slr...

i could come up with several more examples but hopefully you (and i) see the point...it is 7:43 and manuel just woke up...i'm losing my train of thought...oh yeah, back to challenging myself to NOT procrastinate. so i'm hoping after i make my list of things to do (these will be more ongoing long-term goals) that i can figure out a way to do them early when they don't have to be done yet...like every morning when i wake up and try to be productive, i can add something to my list that is actually not necessary until the next day....i'm having trouble even thinking of examples...i guess grocery shopping, laundry, paying bills...i don't have to wait until the due date or until the fridge is empty...

ok i'm bored with the procrastination thread so i will continue on with the other long term goals i've listed for myself in my journal...another thing i do...analyze aspects of myself and write about them in several places instead of doing them...

#2. spend a couple of hours a week "spring cleaning"

this is related to procrastination...there are so many things in my life that never get done because i don't have a goal for when they will and without goals and time constraints, i don't have the internal motivation to make it happen...so every week (probably sunday is the best day for this but i will also try to do it "early" or just do SOMETHING for even a few minutes a day if necessary) i want to tackle part of the burdens that are always hovering behind the daily tasks...these include many many MANY photo projects, paperwork piling up with things i'd like to do someday or parenting articles or health topics to implement or at least read about, way too many clothes that i never get rid of or at least remember that i have to wear (this goes for both children, too...they grow out of things before i remember i had them)...i'm already bored with this topic but i get the point so i will move on to the others on my list...

#3. exercise

san diego is such a gorgeous city with nearly perfect weather day and night. i wake up and envision myself going on many walks but never fit this in to a schedule...i'd ideally like to wake up early and walk with both children before starting the rest of my day but i know i'm not a morning person so i'll have to schedule this in instead...i also love stretching and i think if i did this daily, sea would love to do it with me and i'd have more energy...finally, i have to work out child care to make the mommy and me yoga class every wednesday morning. i loved this time with sea when she was little and then she started crawling and i had to give it up...i enjoyed meeting and relating with other moms, too...and it would be nice to have this alone time with story and finally it would be good for sea to spend fun time with other friends without me and realize she enjoys these experiences and all is fine...it is wednesday today but i haven't worked out or at least confirmed we are trading babysitting so i'll see what time sea is up to see if we can make this happen or not...s

#4. floss and general tooth care.

i used to have such nearly perfectly healthy teeth...

another interruption...life as mommy continues...story started crying just before 8...it is now 9:13 and in that time we have done so many things it is hard to recap them all...but i will try for the sake of giving you an idea of morning life...right now sea is dancing around in her pj top (two diaper changes and talk of going in her potty or wearing panties didn't go anywhere) and a diaper...she just said "ok throw this froggy?" and even though he is rubber and i don't really care, i've told her we only throw balls so i have to say no...she is now role playing with story...telling him a story with her froggy in a hushed voice...something about going to the doctor...she also talks about seeing a clown at sea world a lot...these are the two things she dreads right now...she just asked me about my coffee...which is actually yerba mate tea in steamed milk...i decided to let her try it and of course she loves it and keeps saying "little bit more..." and i allow her to take sips while she works on her laxative laced "green juice" (odwalla superfood and water)..."now?" she says with the hugest smile on her face..."i want to hold it"...it is a giant green mug...she chocks getting too much..."i LIKE that...ok sea put it on here?" "no, it is too bouncy..." "WHY?" she asks as she bounces the side table around...story is calling out for attention...he has been cooing a lot recently...this morning in fact i took him in to sea who was still sleeping "NOW i have some..." i'm really multi-tasking trying to drink tea, type, engage with sea, share tea, include story...now i sent her off to get him a blankie to cover him in his bouncy seat since it is a cooler day and the windows are open to let the breeze in...anyway, when i went in this morning story was super happy and cooing a lot with his arms and legs bouncing all over the place and when sea slowly woke up i told her how happy he was to see her and she had the brightest smile believing this (she is his favorite but he was happy before he saw her)...so we spent at least 30 mins of cuddle time...sea is saying "mommy LOOK" as she puts her little dolls and animals on story's head...he is excited she is playing with him but a little nervous too since she can inadvertently injure him, too...he is crying now and she is trying to soothe him by bouncing him the way she has seen me do...he has the hiccups so he is probably wet...i'll try that to problem solve...

so story was slightly wet...sea also took off her diaper...story really was tired and hungry...he pretty regularly goes down for a nap around 10 and it is 9:45...in this time sea mailed a straw wrapper in the space between her toy box and the lid her "mailbox", i told her we were out of sea's granola ("nola") because we had to call costco to see if they made it anymore so she stuck her head out of the bedroom door and called "yogurt, do you have any nola?", then she showed me her "mingo" (flaming0) pose, jumped over the wipes on the floor (several times back and forth) and now she is entertaining herself turning her fishy light on and off while story is asleep...i can hear the button clicking but when it gets too quiet i'll go and check on her...

i don't have to...she is back to see what i'm doing...she pushes on the end table "this wiggles?" and now she is staring at my screen so i'm off to feed her breakfast...she started crying in the chair and then had a bowel movement so i think some of her problems are digestive...story has been asleep almost an hour and sea had very little food and some nursing...but she is happily playing so i'm going to try and finish this line of thought.

one of my girlfriends from college that recently moved to the area is coming over with her 3 boys for dinner friday night...we are going to make pizzas using trader joes dough and lots of yummy fixings...maybe i'll post photos...she is in law school so i enjoy living vicariously through the discussions she has with manuel...i love writing, arguing, analyzing but still don't want to be a lawyer...

ok it is 10:45 so sure enough, story slept close to 45 minutes just like sea...he is happy as a clam after passing gas (i fear they both have digestive issues) and i am overcoming my guilt that i should be engaging with him whenever he is awake...he has a wooden toy hanging over him if he feels like reaching for it...he has been sucking on his fist recently and i love that he self-soothes...hope this continues although i think i have a healthy balance of allowing him to breast feed mainly to eat but sometimes just to suck...

ok, back to my list...i left off on teeth...i used to have no cavities and the dentist would comment on what great teeth i had so needless to say during some of my depressive years this personal hygiene was not where i wanted it to be...now i feel like this has lead to more difficulty with upkeep on my teeth currently but i've become much more regular in flossing since putting something called "theives oil" on my floss and following this up with a natural mouth wash...love how clean my teeth feel and it is supposed to be good for ridding my mouth of bacteria, too...anyway, more info than i meant to share...story is cooing SO loudly...he is so happy right now smiling to himself...i love these moments and want to go share it with him but i have to finish these thoughts while i'm on a roll...

so on the topic of teeth, i also want to get in to a more regular routine of brushing sea's teeth twice a day (we are lucky if this happens at bathtime at night) and making that a standard part of story's life once his teeth come in.

#5. personal hygiene.

sounds basic but with two little ones and sea being so spirited...well, self-care such as a shower doesn't come until the end of the day...so my new goal is to take a shower, wash my face, brush my teeth and my hair first thing so i feel more energized, alive, motivated, ready to face the day, etc.

#6. tea and stories.

while enjoying my tea i just remembered that i want to share tea with sea in the afternoons
(chamomile or something calming for her--yerba mate or green tea for me) while reading books for at least a half hour...this will serve the dual purpose of trying to get down time/relax and help sea MAYBE take a nap while getting in my goal of reading to her more often and more regularly. we go to the library once a week so we can rotate books...

"sea's the big sister now!!" (arms raised high over with her head with dramatic flair) sea is telling me how she used to go in this same little tent when she was tiny but now she is big and story is tiny..he is getting a little concerned about her shaking it all around...or maybe he has gas...or maybe he is just trying to talk...i can't decide but i will continue typing...

#7. more sleep

go to bed earlier, wake up earlier, take a nap with sea (ok, sea needs to TAKE naps) but hopefully if we can get this cycle improved (will probably have to start by waking up earlier) naps will logically follow...

story just got out another "stink bunk" as we call passing gas...so i guess his sounds of distress can come from multiple causes...

#8. keep up on e-mails

reply to people when i read the e-mail instead of waiting until i have time. send more regular updates about my life to people, stay in touch for their birthdays, keep up on their lives, etc.

#9. food--variety and timing

we eat a lot of the same healthy meals but i figure if i cook for others or have them over for dinner or have more playdates, i will get ideas based on what other people eat regularly and maybe we can trade off..talked to my friend about having a cooking club or supper club where we would cook for one another...also making myself pack more snacks for sea so she eats more regularly...and i want to sit down to eat breakfast and dinner...we do now but usually it someone on the computer or watching tv...i want to get the kids to bed earlier so they aren't exposed to technology more than they have to be...

#10. more playdates

i have so many friends here in town now and we always talking about getting together for playdates...i want to not only attend playgroups, storytime, park dates, etc. but plan play days with my various friends and rotate them on a calendar...new toys, getting out of the house, more socialization, etc.

#11. visiting my mom/my mom visiting.....

sea is trying to have her chew toy (dog chew toy that is..given to her by her uncle matthew who has a dog but no kids) sit on the edge of the computer..i think it is time for me to close...she is saying she wants to turn the computer off...

basically i just wanted to add that i'd like to schedule in visiting my mom and sister...playing with quinn, nathan and lily, visiting cousin chloe and meeting samantha...helping my mom be productive, going through old family photos, eating out (indian and vietnamese food!), playing with dolls at hayno's house...and of course i want my mom to come here more regularly (babysitting, i'll get to go to the yoga class, and she is really good about reading to sea in such an engagin voice)...much more on these ideas but i'm off to take that bath before noon...

memories

me my dad my sister my mom... 1970 something...
this post is really rather misleading because it isn't really about memories...but i've been floating around that idea for awhile now even if i'm not emotionally strong enough to go to any memories of my dad...most of you know i lost him just under two years ago...with the anniversary of his death coming up on may 28 (and residual pregnancy hormones trying to sort themselves out) i've been particularly emotional recently...

last night we watched a recorded episode of american idol and one of my favorite singers, jason, (who looks like a male version of my friend brandie and has a very pure and simple melodic voice) sang "memories"...i love this song anyway (from the musical cats...a woman sang the original version) and it reminds me of younger years and more dramatic times...but i suppose it also reminded me of my dad even though i couldn't think about it at the time...we actually wrote "thanks for the memories" on his tombstone because he said this ALL the time especially right before he died and we never really listened or committed the experiences he was referring to into memory at the time...assuming we had so much more time to form them or at least to experience with him...i wanted to title this post "thanks for the memories" in memory of him but recently it has just been too painful to go there...

as i was typing these ideas, a train called out in the distance...not sure what i have already blogged about this but the sound of trains reminds me of my dad...i think it is because right after he passed away (he was visiting me here in san diego and on a walk down by the bay) and i was holding his hand, a train must have gone by right behind us (they pass roughly between where i live and where he passed away) and somehow as i was losing him this became my connection to him...like the sound of the trains (wherever they may be) are somehow him...calling out to me...reminding me he is still with me in spirit and can live through me or remind me of times with him...

i'm really crying way too much now and this was not the point of this post at all...i had really quite a lovely day with sea and story at a park at the beach and i still managed to be productive and they went to bed early and i had a great glass of wine and have been in a fairly stable good mood so i'm not sure why this wave of depression came over me...

so now the bummer is i'm going to feel like i need to leave this post up because any mundane topics or even anything i care to write about afterwards will somehow take away from my dad...like this should always be the top post or i should always pay tribute to him or i don't want this post to get lost...i guess these irrational reactions are some attempt at holding on to him...

there is no closure to this idea...he is still gone, will always be gone and i still want some way to bring him back, just be with him, have him experience our new son and our search for a new home and just share with him the daily experiences that make up my life that is now my life without him...

but as depressed as i feel, i really don't want to end on a negative note. my dad was such a positive, optimistic man who focused on the best in people, the best in me, the best in life...he would want this post that has now become about him to also be about me and about life and just one of many experiences that i share and live...so i will take a deep breath, breathe in the smell of my sleeping babies and enjoy what i have...and listen for more trains to be reminded he lives through me...

ideal home cont'd

ok so i lost my train of thought on the last post and since it is late again sea will probably interrupt this one as well...so i'm ok just sort of free associating whatever comes to mind on this idea...i was listing what i love about our current home...don't think i got to the part about it being very centrally located (7 minutes to coronado, 10 minutes to the beach, walking distance to downtown--if you want some exercise--but very close walking distance to little italy and balboa park) and of course "coastal" which is both the cool factor and also the weather is so mild year round we rarely use air conditioning or heat...back to the "cool" factor...that is one of the things we love about the inside of this home and what we were originally looking for in craftsman/spanish style homes around the park...turns out these need a lot of work (new roof, foundation, plumbing, etc.) and are a lot smaller...1000 or so square feet with usually only a 1 car garage...that idea leads me to my very favorite neighborhood if we could afford it: ocean beach. it is a hippie community on the water...eclectic, activists, generally open-minded artsy people, community oriented but of course the homes we could come even close to affording are tiny and often don't even have a garage which at this point is essential for us with all the baby stuff we've acquired...and very small yards which i've already pointed out is a huge priority...so that leads in to my second favorite community: point loma; again we cannot afford this area. i was hoping we could find something in the pocket area between those with a view of downtown and those with a view of the other side (ob, la jolla, etc) but again these will be smaller and still out of our price range...i'm interested in this area partly because it is so close to the beach, and walking distance to cool things, but also because i really want to get sea in to a school that i heard about that focuses on social and emotional development (i think she will be fine with academics and socialization so this is important to me)...will have to look up the name but i think it is a feeder school for high tech high? manuel of course loves our neighborhood school which was walking distance from home...great test scores which doesn't mean a lot to me but i would be open to trying this the first year (kindergarten?) while getting on wait lists for charter schools i'm interested in...

these free associations were getting a little off track or tying in to too many things so i'll try to regroup to what i'm looking for in a home we are going to buy...i already said a yard was essential. so let me clarify. ideally this yard would have a pool, an outdoor dining/entertaining patio or eating area, a place for a garden, enough grass to run and play in (maybe even put in play equipment)...but i will accept a minimum of a 6000 sq ft lot and forgo the pool...turns out manuel is really in to a home with a view and often this means the home will be perched on the side of a hill with most of the yard sloping down in un-usable space or we would be worried about landslides or the slab/foundation having problems. i would rather have less view and more yard myself. we've gotten really spoiled with the view of the bay we have now...

i keep hearing whimpering sounds...not sure if they are sea in the back bedroom or story in his sleep...i'm going to go check to be sure everyone is alright...story is sleeping soundly which means it is probably sea and she will be coming back to the bedroom soon so i'll try not to get distracted...

ok, so this ideal home must have a decent size yard, 3 bedrooms, a garage, hardwood floors (can be under the carpet) and an ok or safe neighborhood...on that note, i don't want to be too close to el cajon or university which is starting to rule out north park...most of the homes we have been looking at recently are in this new area i still love south park but most of the homes in the size/etc. requirements we have would be out of our price range. i must quickly do one more aside to mention this is where i go for my mommy and me yoga class and i love the little deli and coffee shop and artsy feel of this community to...minus the beach but still nice...so manuel told me he is now liking the suburbs better...he likes something about the homogeneity of the new area and doesn't mind that it is mainly "white"...he likes the safety of the community and in some ways feels like he is being rebellious or "cool" by not having to be in a cool neighborhood? i'm paraphrasing and poorly at that but it is interesting that originally we were both set on either north or south park. then we included normal heights and eventually moved further east to talmadge...that lead to college area and eventually we started looking in this new area although we haven't explored that area as much...we are also interested in rolando park but i don't know a lot about that area either...we have also considered bay park and loma portal area...we tried clairemont but i didn't really like the homes that well and there weren't as many homes with hardwood floors...remember this is a deal breaker for me...eventually we even looked at UTC but again there weren't many hardwood floors and most homes were out of our price range...can't beat that coastal air and the location, though...that part is still hard for me if we end up east of the 15...we were going to consider san carlos but honestly i want to be closer to downtown...i like being near a freeway for quick access to other playgroups or activities and don't want to be too far of a drive for people to come over to our house. i was somewhat interested in la mesa...especially near downtown so we could still have a walking community and there are a lot of craftsman type homes there but i think that will too far east...too hot, too long of a commute, etc.

ok so there are many things i could list that i'm looking for. not sure if i mentioned we put an offer on a home in the new area, got countered, made a counter offer and then they accepted a higher offer and we "lost" the home. i'm still in a bit of denial because we have been looking for a home for almost 3 years and this home was nearly perfect for our needs...in the 90th percentile...in fact my only complaints were there wasn't enough light (could be fixed by putting in larger windows and skylights), it didn't face east or west (not that big of a deal), and it wasn't walking distance to a cool community...but it was walking distance to a cool little "whole foods" type market, the school manuel was excited about, and just across the freeway from many of the things i would want to walk to...so some of the things we lost in this home (i might mention we are waiting to be sure the escrow goes through since we are hopeful we might still get this home...idealistic and unrealistic i know...) that would be hard to replace in another:

great yard...an art studio/playhouse with lots of windows and skylights, a koi pond, an entertainment area with an outdoor fireplace, a screen enclosed back porch we would use as the children's play area, hardwood floors under the carpet (in great condition), original yellow tile in the main bathroom, unusual tile in the master bath, great curb appeal (the house is really cute from the front which has not been true of many other homes we have liked)...a two car garage, lots of storage, no neighbors in the back...

some other things this home didn't have that i would like: a more open floor plan between the kitchen and dining room, french doors from the master bedroom to the yard (we could add this in the future if we had the money), the "cool" factor of spanish/craftsman homes which includes like honeycomb tile or archs or built ins, etc. like our current apartment, a larger yard...this home had a huge lot but a lot of it was on a canyon..although this was still usable land for planting fruit trees, for example....

i keep losing my train of thought...so many factors go in to an "ideal" home...i'm tired, so i guess i'll have to have a third posting on this topic...in the meantime, what factors do you include (or did you include in your current home)? what would you change or add? thanks for your comments...

ideal home

again, on the laptop so no photo...i've been putting off this post although it has been writing itself in my head for some time now...commitment issues both to get these ideas on paper and to commit to this house...home...and there is a difference...so i wanted to do a pro/con list for this home versus the others we have looked at or the future others we will idealize or miss out on by committing to this home...but that seems too sterile and my ideas aren't very linear...more like a free association without any priority so here goes...

we have been looking seriously to buy a home since moving to san diego almost 3 years ago...the market was pretty high then and we could only afford about 1000 sq feet in not the best areas...2 bedroom 1 bath with a small yard...since then we all know the market has turned in our favor...now the listings we are being sent are at least 1400 sq feet with 3 bedrooms and 2 baths and much larger yards...for the same price. what i didn't account for is that in the time we have been looking we have actually broadened our search, included more variables, and gotten cold feet more often than if we had just committed three years ago...which leads to this free association about what variables really matter in a home...

so, where to start...first of all, it must have a yard...one that we can play in, grow a garden in, maybe have a pond...entertain, throw parties, eat dinners outside...you get the idea. these are all things lacking in our apartment which i otherwise love...it is a 1920's style spanish building with all hardwood floors, tons of windows and natural light flooding the entire apartment all day long and then our days end with the sunset over the bay...amazing views of the water, cruise ships, and sailboats which remind me of my dad...sea is waking up so more later...d

random thoughts

ok so no photos as i'm on my husband's laptop and all the photos are on the desktop...i've been so behind that i just wanted to jot down a bunch of random things that i've been thinking about or meaning to blog about or questions to myself or...etc...

groceries...still need to go to costco...produce...i miss be wise ranch although we can't afford it right now and so i'm looking forward to possibly having a garden...laundry...need to fold way too many clothes and put the wet ones in the dryer...which reminds me if we buy a house we will need to buy a washer and dryer...i also was thinking about what colors we would paint the rooms in this new house and how much i will miss all the natural light in our current apartment although we can't afford the solar tubes i eventually would like to put in this new house...sea had such a blast transferring water between sand pails at the beach today i really just can't wait to have a yard she can hang out in...chase after bugs, make mud pies, plant and water seeds, etc...want to get back in to reading more to her, going to the library storytimes more often, going to more parks, going to the beach more often, having playdates...which reminds me how much she loved swimming at the rec center in coronado and maybe i can work out a babysitting exchange to get swimming in for both of them...have already been working on this exchange in order to attend the mommy and me yoga on wednesday mornings...i also love going to farmer's market on sundays...eating samples and dreaming of many things i would buy regularly if we had more money but mainly just enjoying the sun and being in the mix with other like minded people...we've talked about having student from csusd rent a room in our house to help with the mortgage...i would love to find a person who shares some of my passions...manuel would be interested in getting someone who would speak spanish to sea...that would be nice, too but i think she has plenty of time to learn that and for now am more interested in attachment parenting values...so this person, though not a babysitter by any means would hopefully have many of the following qualities...ok, i'm not ready to come up with this list so my rambling will have to continue to other ideas...

i had both a wonderful and a horrible time at the playgroup at the beach today...LOVED the sun and beach air and it was nice to socialize and have friends hold the baby or chase after/play with sea...i was touched to watch sea ask one of her friends if she wanted to play with a toy sea was playing with and then later they held hands and skipped to the water and back with excited giggle the whole way...the horrible part was when the fog quickly rolled in and we had to go and all of a sudden sea wanted to run away full speed and story wasn't in the wrap and he had a poopy diaper and i didn't have enough free hands to hold my bag, a towel, the sheet we were sitting on, the wrap that had come undone...and i couldn't comfort or calm down either of them and they were dramatically crying almost to the point of screaming and i really wanted to just give in to sea and let her play on the play equipment and just have that moment to jiggle story and probably nurse him and then change him but i felt completely out of control and just wanted to get into the semi-safety of the car to let everyone calm down and regroup...in the meantime i felt like passerbyers (i can't think of the right word for this idea) were staring in horror and wonder at what i could have possibly done to my children for them to reach this level of melt down and i felt both fortunate to have a friend from playgroup who tried to help in as many ways as she could (offering to carry sea along with her toddler, caring my stuff, helping sea over walls, etc.) and really i was just so embarrassed i didn't want to accept help but at the same time really knew i needed it more than ever so it was nice to give in (this is a whole nother topic...the issue of control...letting people help me...)...did i mention when i finally did change story's diaper that i got poop on everything and then he peed all over? there were several other moments in this day that overwhelmed me and felt unbearable but i have done a good job blocking them out...

so i can focus on the other things i enjoyed about the day...i made a cup of tea (yerba mate chocolate flavored) with steamed soy mild and sipped this while sea enjoyed her first full cup of chamomile tea with me out of a grown up size mug...she even wanted us to have our cups side by side with the handles pointing the same way...she seemed so grown up and it was a nice shared moment together while we read books together...i also enjoyed watching her play with my strawberry shortcake dolls with lime green and white striped tights and funny hats...she told me the strawberry shortcake character was mommy and then there is a smaller doll who has similar reddish hair that she said was sea...another smaller doll was story and then the black haired doll (orange blossom?) was daddy...she was role playing with them and using a lot of phrases or common things i say in her discussion with them...

i really miss naps and i've told myself i need to just go to bed earlier but here i am at 1 a.m. still jotting down random ideas and not sure what i'm trying to figure out...feel like i'll never catch up with all the ideas in my head and i'm still looking for too many answers without even getting down all the questions but it is cathartic to free associate like this! so on that note i'll go back to lurking on various attachment parenting sites...