too many bags (skeletons) in my closet

this could be a catchy title with all sorts of wonderful psychological analyses...but i've spent my lifetime analyzing and got a masters in psychology and i'm still not at the "doing" or putting into action phase...so i'm allowing myself 15 minutes to get the details of this particular mess up to motivate myself to go through my junk and throw out what i've been hanging on to and not doing for all these years...anywhere from projects/arts and crafts to memories or self-help/enrichment type things i think i'll get to some day...i'm actually going to list out the general contents of all these literal bags i've been stuffing into my closet waiting for the right time, the right babysitter, etc...oh and of course now story is waking up from his nap so i don't even have those 15 minutes...more later i hope...or not if i'm actually going through them...

that was probably the best place to end this post...me doing instead of obsessing and analyzing and procrastinating (all labels i use too often because i do these things too often) but story is now nursing in my lap and i also wanted to get down the idea that i'm going to blog every day in february thru nablopomo just to get a "photo a day" up...one of my friends is doing the 365 photos in a year challenge and i'll definitely hit that number if you add them up but i really want to do one a day at least for a month to see how that goes for regular blogging without the pressure of writing something meaningful...ahhh the conundrum for me of balancing meaning with being in the moment (oh, and being productive with all the necessities of life...that is probably my biggest weakness of the three)...

tomorrow is february 1st...i always look at the first of the month as a "blank page" or chance for a new beginning...new focus...new priorities...i always talk about how important integrity is to me which goes right along with the nablopomo february theme of "character"...so for me, at this point in my journey, that would mean doing instead of analyzing and putting my family and my husband in particular over my self-absorption and obsession with all the little things i "need" or want before i can be productive...wow, so many of these ideas are labels in my posts!

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ACTUAL CONTENTS OF SAID BAGS AND BOXES:

(i know this is it's own form of procrastination listing this all out but somehow these details matter...i think it makes the post more interesting but more importantly for me may help me look at the kind of things i hold on to and get me to do something with these things instead of throwing them all back in to bags hidden away)

1) box with two bags: one a) with the supplies needed to create a memory book for cara...i hosted her baby shower LAST january...1 year ago...and printed out the facebook status updates to put with photos from before the baby arrived plus the ones from the shower (i haven't printed)...colored paper to cut out...cutting mechanism...and b) about 10 pregnancy books and journals i intended to mail to two friends who's babies are due in a couple months

2) one paper bag: with baby clothes to either give away to friends, the goodwill or put in a quilt we are making out of our children's clothes...

3) green and white striped bag: i used this as a "diaper bag" or i suppose with 3 and 5.5-year-olds it was more of an "everything they might need on a quick playdate of some sort" bag that never got unpacked...a couple changes of clothes story probably can't fit into anymore, two or three bottles of sunscreen, three or so lipstick/lip glosses i didn't like enough to commit to but thought i might still use...two or three journals i started writing in and couldn't find so i bought more...a couple diapers...seeds to plant (i must have gotten these from the harvest festival at waldorf last year)...one christmas sock that got thrown on top (xmas items already packed away with the matching sock missing its pair)...rescue remedy..."mommy" cards...sea's bracelet, 3 pens, a brush, rubber bands...three pairs of mix-matched socks...

4) orange gift bag: i just got this yesterday from a party the children attended...i decided it was filled with candy and knick knacks i'd like to go through before giving to them but instead it clutters my closet and we both have too much stuff we don't need...

5) another paper bag: one of the children's favorite stuffed kitties i grabbed out of the car so it wouldn't get misplaced :) and a random worm sprinkler head my sister got for my son for his birthday

6) one recyclable bag with bright dots all over it: misc. art work sea's done at home and in school i can't bring myself to go through and throw any out

7) one recyclable bag "i love my planet earth": ironically filled to the brim with way too much paper junk much of which will eventually end up in the recycle bin (bills, mail, tax papers, etc. type things i need to do or file or throw out)

i don't even have time to list the contents of the last red and grey bag as i have to re-pile these bags all back in the closet and go pick up sea from kindergarten...it is a lovely day so i'm hoping i can get sea and story to go play in the back yard while i pull these all back out to go through them...

the details of team JP

i am running in my first half marathon in 2 weeks...superbowl sunday...here is what i wrote about it (reason for writing beneath the e-mail):

hi jazmyn,

i'm writing on behalf of my husband. i know he intended to reply to your e-mail. we have been training together to run the surf city marathon and his story is really my story, too. i am taking a moment to share the details of our story with you even though it is most likely too late to share with the local media because i believe it is a story of LIFE and HOPE and GIVING and worth sharing, even late.

i'm not sure where the story should start...it comes full circle for both of us...you asked for a short bio and why he began to run and i suppose he can share those details. my story of "running" begins with my dad. he was quite athletic as a boy but due to a disease in his youth, arthritis and eventually breaking his neck he had to limit his exercise to brisk walking and swimming. i loved doing both of these things with him growing up. my father also loved the beach and loved to tell stories (we named our two children "sea" and "story" as my husband and i both love these things as well) i grew up inland but we spent many, many weekends at corona del mar right near the surf city course. i know my father would have been SO PROUD that i'm participating in my first half marathon. unfortunately he passed away may 28, 2006.

maggie is our leader for "team JP". she is one of my friends and was in my class in high school. her two sisters, vanessa, and amy (in my younger sister's class and later my sister's roommate in college), and amy's husband erin also went to our same high school. her sisters and their families and another family were all tragically killed in march 2009 in a nationally publicized plane crash. here is the link to the L.A. Times news story:

http://articles.latimes.com/2009/mar/24/local/me-plane-crash24

this past year i was on the planning committee with maggie for our 20 year h.s. reunion. our event was at the westin in south coast plaza (also near the marathon event). while we were planning our reunion, maggie mentioned that she and her sisters used to run the surf city marathon every year and she would love to have the members of the planning committee (and anyone else from the community) run this year to show our support. actually what moved me to sign up was the way she described running in her life...i wish i had recorded her word for word but wrote this during one of our reunion planning meetings (we had a morning walk during our reunion weekend lead out by maggie):

"i asked maggie for more details about her morning walk (after noticing ed wearing a very cool JP t-shirt) and it will be at 8 a.m....meet in the hotel lobby...it will be a 5k or 3.2 miles...she said to plan about an hour though it could take some people less...they will be walking in the vicinity of the hotel instead of the beach...she said she will provide JP t-shirts to all participating... this lead into a discussion of promoting it friday night at vespers to which maggie shared some appropriately timed and heartfelt thoughts on the parallels to life and lessons in the grieving process "taking it a step at a time" "everybody goes through it differently" "you don't know what each mile will bring"...she has offered to share this perspective and i thought this would be appropriate early in the vespers program as ken will be on all our minds [one of our classmates passed away just a couple weeks before the event] and i think it is a wonderful metaphor to open up the weekend events"

she has been such an inspiration of HOPE and GIVING...her family has always been so generous and supportive of so many people and they continue to give and pass on blessings (messages of hope and monetarily just to name a few) in memory of their many loved ones lost who were also so generous in their communities. the memorials for each of these people lost were phenomenally large events because their families touched so many people in so many ways...

our family in particular owes them so much. beyond the metaphors of how running can help deal with grief (this has helped me personally in the loss of my father), this summer, after our h.s. reunion, my husband's brother was in a life-threatening accident. he broke his neck and was lucky to be alive. as we struggled to get follow up care to try and rehabilitate him, it was recommended to us that maggie's husband would be a good connection. within the hour of calling the cottons to see if they could help in any way, my B-I-L was accepted into a prestigious spine center that he would very unlikely have been able to get into. after his release he was able to walk and regain nearly full function in one arm he couldn't even move before the rehab.

needless to say, my husband is also running this marathon to support the family. maggie's sisters were both married names began with "J" and "F" where they got the initials JP for the "team JP". our matching shirts list the names of the family members lost.

this will be our first half marathon. i am running for my dad, maggie and their families...i am running for my BIL and our family and i am running for myself...i am looking forward to the physical challenges involved but even more so to all the symbolism behind family members lost and family members helped...the challenge of spreading HOPE and LIFE and GIVING to others the way maggie and her family have for so many...the memories of our lost loved ones live on in so many ways...

thank you for allowing me the opportunity to share our story.

sincerely, denise

p.s. if you need any more bio info, my husband and i met in college. amy and her family were living in the same community when they were killed. maggie attended college with me as well. my husband and i now live at the beach. he is a (left out for security) and i am a stay-at-home mom. we have two children, sea (age 5.5) and story (almost 3). we love the beach and try to go there every free moment we have. we have been training for this half marathon along the boardwalk of the beaches and look forward to the location of the surf city marathon. we have been so inspired by this training that we hope to run many more marathons together in the future.

On Dec 20, 2010, at 10:04 AM, Jazmyn Lopez wrote:

My name is Jazmyn, and I work for the Surf City USA Marathon. I came across your story about how you are running to support your wife's friend Maggie who lost many members of her family in 2009. I thought it was very interesting that you are running for friends, so I have a couple of questions for you.

First off, we are looking to share people's interesting running stories with the local media (both in Huntington Beach and your own local area) and were wondering if you would mind us sharing your story. If this would be okay with you, I would appreciate it if you could expand on your story and give me a little bit more information. A short biography about you and why you began to run. How and when you started running and anything else you think would be interesting to share. I would be happy to read anything you want to write!

Please let me know either way. We will not share your story against your wishes.

Thank you very much and good luck in the race!!

Jazmyn

coop2 preschool day 1 and 365 photos

i've committed to blogging 365 photos this year (not daily)...here are a few shots from the first cooperative preschool for story...

MPT #13 11th and 12th grade: where do i go from here?

here is my senior portrait...mighty class of 1990...i really don't like this photo...i don't like what i'm wearing, my perm or my smile...i feel fake and made up for someone other than myself...which i'm sure i was...i am probably even wearing a little make-up which i still don't know how to apply and never wear now...i didn't have a "theme" for this last post in my journey through my childhood...nor do i have time to adequately write all the ideas competing in my head...so true to form my procrastination is going to require i write a pseudo partial post now and follow up with more details in the next few days...and i don't forsee reading anyone else's posts anytime soon so if i happen to have any readers/comments i'll have to reply much later this week...ok, with all those disclaimers i'll write a little about the next few photos and supplement say wednesday night...

this photo i believe is from my 16th birthday but it may be my 18th...my birthday is february 15 so president's day weekend usually fell on my birthday (my husband's is the 12th--lincoln's birthday) and people were often out of town and couldn't attend my parties...i actually look happy here...a little sun-kissed...i have always loved the sun
i chuckle every time i see this photo taken in my parent's side yard...not sure what i was posing for...i feel very dopey and not attractive but with all my other problems body image remained ok so i'm posting it for that alone...
this one shows a little more of my depressive, reflective side...i didn't show this to many people...not sure what i was thinking or trying to depict when the photo was taken but it feels more authentic and true to "me" at the time...
i have many photos from graduation and many stories through the 4 years in high school if i can just find the time...i've enjoyed the journey if i don't get much more than this up...off to start a co-operative preschool for my youngest, story, not quite 3...

i didn't write a theme for this post because the thought in my head was "where do i go from here?" both the unknowns and lack of direction from high school and where do i go from taking this journey of recording my childhood? thanks for following me on mommy's piggytales MPT...not sure if we have a "post-high school" post or not but i'll probably write something about the journey and where i'm at now with resolution or what i've figure out reflecting on my past...don't expect that for another week or so, though...

thank you, janna for an awesome opportunity...i may participate again some time when i have more time to write more reflective/detailed entries...

one last idea...i felt my obsession with one guy, kerwin, defined most of my high school experience and was interested to learn that several of the people on my 20-year high school reunion planning committee didn't even know...i think we were all too self-absorbed...we probably are all still too self-absorbed...hoping to put my focus more on my children who, by the way are climbing all the way up on my shoulders as i type :)

MPT #12 9th and 10th grade: search for meaning and identity

this was my 9th grade ID card...i actually liked it better than any other year...in between the feathered 8th grade hair and super curly permed hair of later high school years (photo below)...i was always on a quest for meaning and trying to figure out "who am i?" analyzing myself, life, what mattered...i always remember reading pop psychology books, personality books, philosophical idealistic books, anything i could get my hands on to figure out who i was...i always felt like i needed to deal with the "deeper" side of life which isn't really the focus for most people in high school...i was also quite social and the counselor or confidant to many (gave guys i had crushes on advice on how to get the girls they were interested in)...

i also spent way too many hours of my life writing in journals...analyzing myself, my motives, my dreams, my interests...so self-absorbed writing all the minutia of what i thought about instead of what i did...

i was trying to find my tattered and torn copy of "please understand me" which summarizes the meyers-briggs personality test into every day terms...unfortunately it was so over used and missing so many pages i finally tossed it and haven't replaced it...i am an ENFP which means i'm Extroverted (like people), iNtuitive (make decisions about life based on my inner sense rather than reality), Feeling (follow my heart over my head) and Perceptive (like my options open instead of set and structured). i found a book on temperament which summarizes my type as the "advocate"; an idealist who focus on the growth potential in themselves and others and wants a part in the process...always seeking to know who i am, the search for my "true" self...integrity is the foundation of my self-esteem (oh boy...i was always betraying myself in high school...giving in to gossip or saying what i needed to say in any moment to be liked by people i probably didn't even like that well...i hated how i was such a chameleon changing to fit my environment)...

i'm going to quote out of this book as it was so true for me "desperate to please on one hand, yet fiercely guarding their integrity on the other, they must skate on the razor's edge, no easy feat. they can never be sure they are real because their integrity is more important to them than their sense of reality"

"...their mission in life is to have a mission in life, thus putting missions just out of reach...they try to be spontaneous so spontaneity eludes them...they consciously avoid self consciousness and so are all the more self conscious. they wish to be in touch with their feelings, only to lose the very feelings they want to experience more intensely..."

oh, man, i'm feeling depressed just reading this. i definitely suffered from depression in high school. only my family really needed me to be ok, happy all the time, no conflict, no sadness...so i gave them that outwardly and internalized too much...sorry for the therapy moment...i think by the end of this week i'll be ready to reflect on what i was hoping to gain from this adventure to my past...i think i've learned how far i've come and how i have an opportunity to allow my children to LIVE their life instead of always stressing they aren't doing it good enough...so many regrets from high school i analyzed everything instead of doing it...i would have dated, taken risks...allowed myself to love and be loved...

i should add one other personality test i took informed me i was "melancholy-sanguine" which to those of you who know a LITTLE about this know it was quite the polar opposites together...i was basically intense, depressive yet social and outwardly happy...

i wish people knew me better. i wish i let them. i wish i knew my classmates better. i wish i had more time to write about this but my son needs me in this moment and that is more important...

i've joined mommy's piggytales MPT recording my childhood a year per week...by the end of the week i'll have finished up high school...check back tomorrow for more details...